Witty Infertility

Is this weird?

2012-03-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

I started another blog a few months ago on WP because I wanted to see how it worked, and if it was worth it to switch my posts over to that platform. I clearly didn't make the switch... probably laziness, but whatever. Anyway, if you're interested in reading that blog, just let me know via email: wittyinfertility at gmail dot com.

The reason I bring this up is because I mentioned on that blog that my "first date" anniversary with DHunter is coming up on March 17 - St. Patrick's Day. I feel a bit more sentimental about this one for some reason, which makes me feel a little weird. It reminds me of an incredibly happy time, one filled with hope and excitement and relief. I had been in a really terrible situation for the two years prior to meeting him, so I often think back to how relieved I felt to have met someone that didn't want to hurt me. I've talked before about how we both feel like we saved each others' lives, but there are times when I wonder if he understands how literal I am being.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I am getting REALLY excited to celebrate this anniversary. I was definitely happy that we had our 1 year wedding anniversary last fall, but I don't know... this March date is one we've been celebrating a bit longer. I just feel like maybe it's okay to have two celebrations every year. Does anyone else feel this way?

One of our first dates at my brother's restaurant in Phoenix.

Sometimes it feels like we just met, and other times it feels like we've been together for decades. I am so glad we took pictures like this, because it brings back really happy memories.

Our first trip to Colorado. About 4 hours after this picture, he secretly asked my dad if he could marry me.

I remember how excited I was to introduce him to my parents, and how my mom and dad were so warm and inviting to him. It's strange to say this, but I really think we all fell in love with each other that weekend in a small way. Everyone just seemed so happy for everyone else. I am so incredibly grateful that we all get along so well.

Same trip, but this time a family shot. One of my rare full smiles... I was so, so happy that day.

After that weekend, we went back to Arizona and life continued on as normal. Well, until the next weekend when he proposed :o) A month later, we made the decision to move to Colorado and find better jobs. He enrolled into school full time to finish up his degree, and I started working at the college.

Our engagement picture, summer 2010

Right before the ceremony.

The kiss!

We have thousands of pictures from the engagement and wedding. The photographer did a great job capturing some really great moments. As stressful as the wedding planning was, I think I can finally say I'm really happy we did it. Our original plan was to elope in Napa Valley and then spend the week there on our honeymoon. We had it all paid for and planned out. 6 months before it was supposed to happen, the venue went into foreclosure and we had to start over. We slowly got our money back and decided to plan a ceremony at home instead. We ended up with about 75 people crammed into our tiny banquet room of the apartment complex we lived in at the time. We went on a really short cruise (during hurricane season) afterwards. All in all it was a great time and we got to spend it with a ton of family and friends. I think we'll plan some kind of vow renewal in Napa on our 5 year anniversary.

Our most recent picture - on our way to the last Bronco home game.

It's been fun looking through so many pictures. I'm excited to take a bunch more this month. I can't wait for Saturday!! I think I might take him shooting, and then I'll probably make him his favorite cake. I'm hoping, too, that by this time next year I'll be talking about how we conceived our first baby in this magical month of March.

Vitamin D, and other happy thoughts

2012-03-10T17:00:00.001-08:00

I think I've forgotten to mention that in addition to starting up Metformin earlier this year, I've also been taking prescription strength vitamin D weekly for the last two months. I took my last one on Sunday March 4th, and tomorrow I'm supposed to start taking a daily supplement. When I went in to get my normal-people blood work done in January, they found I was in a scary low range for Vitamin D, something around a 9 I think (in whatever units, I am no scientist) - normal range for a thyroid patient is like 35-60. So I've been cracking-out on the D and plan to get re-checked this week.

I've been doing some mild Googling and have found that the combo of Vitamin D and Metformin may indeed be my magical cure for getting AF to show up. I wanted to make sure I wrote this down just in case anyone happens upon this thing and feels like it might be one more question to ask their doctor.

And now for some TMI....

I am still having pretty heavy, bright red bleeding today. I know I must seem like a lunatic for being so happy about this (relatively - I am in a bit of pain today actually, physically and emotionally), but I was pretty disheartened last cycle that I only had about 1 tampon's worth of dark red flow. And then of course right after I posted yesterday, I had dried up and was back to nothing. So I was freaked out thinking I had once again jinxed myself by blogging good news prematurely. But about 2 AM this morning I woke up with horrible cramps and tons of blood, and it's been super heavy and steady all day. I feel like I am winning! That's seriously how amazing this is for me right now.

Speaking of jinxing myself, I have nothing but awesome vibes going out into the universe for this cycle. This is by far my most favorite month of the year; it's the month I met my husband four years ago, which means everything about it makes me giddy with love. I don't even like basketball, but hell YES I get into March Madness. And decorating for Easter (read: eating Peeps) happens this month, which always is super fun. The sun starts coming back out more, and everything just seems to have a bit more pep. So yeah... I'm heading into this cycle believing that we have some really great momentum and excitement brewing.

I better log off before the hubster gets annoyed. "This is his time" he tells me :o)

Oh yeah! Our friends had an awesome first date last night. They are planning to go hiking tomorrow. I forgot to clarify that the four of us have hung out several times in the last month. Friday was the first time it was just them, though. I still feel super excited about it regardless!

Somewhat surprised, but in a good way

2012-03-09T09:49:00.003-08:00

As much as I had hoped this weekend would result in 2 magical lines, it appears again that this was not our month. AF arrived in her full glory this morning. And if I could give her a grade, it would be A+. Last month? More like a C-. Barely any cramping, and the brightest red I've seen since the Provera cycle. I am very, very excited that my body is doing good things. I'm trying to let it slide that the cycle was only 22 days, and my LP was only 12 days. From my research, this is on the absolute low end of the ideal LP length. I am going to remain positive, though, because I do think everything is going to just keep getting better.

I'm still doing great with all my medication, and we've been getting a lot more exercise. I feel super happy that the weather is going to be so amazing this weekend. I'm planning to go for a long bike ride on my cruiser. I bought this bad boy last year toward the end of summer, so I've not ridden it as much as I've wanted. Springtime is here and I am SO SO ready.

Work has been crazy. Every week I get to about Thursday-ish and I'm like "are you serious?". I just keep thinking I have to take it all one day at a time; that's been helping me get through it more than anything. I also started a new class this week, so I am really losing most of my free time. I've recently made a new friend from work, and that new friend is going on a first date tonight with D.Hunter's new work friend, so I'm pretty stoked that we might have a Couple-friend to hang out with this summer! This is new territory for us, but it's very welcome and exciting.

Alright well I should get back to it. I hope everyone has a great weekend planned. Stay classy.

where it's at

2012-03-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

work is going well. which means next week it will all go to hell.
my temps have risen to numbers I've never thought possible. 5 days in a row above cover line - I couldn't be more pleased. even if this ends in a solid "yes I ovulated", I will be happy.
must keep reminding myself of the above note.
my opks have been getting darker as the week progresses. does that seem normal?
i poas a la opk and hpt twice daily. whatever, they are are internet cheapies.
february was by far our most frisky month since we got married. sweet jesus i have a happy husband.
i told my friend today that i can't have our friday sushi dinner as originally planned, and now somehow my mind is convinced that the fertility gods "owe me one".
also, no more alcohol. cross my heart.
ARE YOU LISTENING FERTILITY GODS??

Stuck

2012-02-27T17:08:00.001-08:00

That's the best word I can find to describe how I feel about blogging right now. I feel so stuck. I feel like every time I put something down here, the next day it changes and no longer applies.

On Thursday 2/16, I started my period. At least.. I think I started my period? I saw red. And you all suggested to me when I saw red, that became my new CD1. At the time, I was at CD26, meaning it was a bit of a short cycle...but it was a cycle! Eh.

I had some brown spotting 1-2 days before the red, but on the 16th it was light flow and very dark red. For the next 2-3 days, it was dark brown to light brown, and completely color-free by Tuesday. So just the one day of red, but again... it was definitely red.

So, this past Friday (CD9) was an insanely horrible day for me at work. I cried most of the day, and at the time I figured it was because I was really angry with something my boss had written to me in an email. I tend to cry briefly when I get angry, but usually it stops after a few minutes. This felt different, though. It was like full-on waterworks had started and I had no control over it. And then to top it off... more light brown spotting. Ugh.

I got through the work day and decided to go drinking that night. I'm pretty sure I drank solidly for 6 hours. I definitely felt better emotionally, but holy crap was I a mess Saturday! And not just in a hungover way, I was STILL crying. HOLY CRAP I am so done with all of this damn CRYING. I kept telling everyone it was as if my emotions were in control of me and I had to just let it happen.

Friday night I had gotten my OPK strips in the mail. I never thought to POAS Saturday morning because well.. the Crying. Saturday afternoon I started to feel a bit better... even a bit frisky! During the daylight! And can we say EWCM? Oh yes we can. And yes we did!

Sunday we wake up, and even though I had some brownish spotting again, I decided to crack open the new OPK bag. This was not FMU, but more like an 11:00 AM sample. And wouldn't you know, two extremely dark red lines pop up. WHAT. WHAT!!!! It's like CD11? How is this happening? And the spotting? I don't understand at all. But like... 2 major dark lines, dark like I've never seen on these tests before. Oh and I also had a temp drop (from 97.3 to 96.8 - is that enough of a "drop"?) on Sunday morning. Hum hum hum. Oh yeah, we decided to get in another frisk session Sunday night.

Woke up Monday, my temp is back up to 97.2. All day I've felt feverish. Not emotional at all. My boss and I - it was like nothing had even happened. Which makes me really question what the heck was going on Friday with my hormones?

So now I wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot with these thoughts of possibility because 1) how likely is it that I even can count 2/16 as a real period, 2) how is it possible to O this early in a cycle and have it actually produce something, and 3) WHAT THE EFF WITH ALL THIS SPOTTING.

I want to come hang out with people in the BFP circle so bad :o( I think I am seeing things that are just not there. Tell me I am being nuts so I can get my mind to go somewhere else. I'm tired of being stuck.

CD1 - Yippee!

2012-02-16T17:45:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty stoked about AF's visit this afternoon. This is monumental for me in that it's basically** the first time I've had a natural period in over 10 years. I'm truthfully at the point of wanting to call up everyone I know and say "GUESS WHAT I GOT TODAY BITCHEZ??".

I think I was 10% sad AF did show up and that I didn't have some miracle BFP. But, I think my odds of ovulating on my first cycle off Provera were pretty unlikely. It's never really happened before according to all of my charts. But now that AF is here, I feel like I am in new territory. I am incredibly hopeful for this coming month! I have been doing awesome with my weight loss - check out the new tab for that update if you're curious. I have done basically everything I said I was going to do back in the beginning of January. The only thing I've had to remove was the Vitex and Dong Quai. I tried really hard to keep it up, but I was getting massive headaches/fatigue... and I was feeling a bit of anxiety in that I've never had a doctor "okay" it. I know other people have taken it and it's worked wonders, but I just had a gut feeling that it might be causing more side effects than it was worth. Who knows, I may try it again someday.

Anyway, overall I'm in a pretty good mood. I'm also pretty stoked that I've not had any cramps at all! I had some mild discomfort this weekend, but it was more lower back pain and dull aches than anything. No sharp tear-inducing crazy-lady pains like the Provera AF. My emotions are in better check right now as well, and I don't have the sore ta-ta's at all. I'm sure everyone is just loving all of the stupid details, but I just want to document it in case I can come back and be like "oh yeah this is how "normal" feels".

That's pretty much it for now. Tomorrow is Friday thank goodness. I am so ready for a vacation it's not even funny. I feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it's going to be August.

Toodles!

**I had my first AF cycle without Provera or BCP enticement back in October, but I don't really count it as such. I had started AF (from Provera) on Sept 27 and it lasted 10 days. There was a 9 day break and it started again on October 15 for another 6 days. I had been in the hospital for a week during that 9 day break and I'm pretty convinced all of the drugs and craziness that went on caused my body to be pretty out-of-whack.

A safe night with The Grammy Awards

2012-02-12T20:37:00.000-08:00

I say "safe" because holy crap why didn't anyone warn me that The Help was going to have this tremendously sad (on top of the already-sad theme of the movie of course) side story about miscarriage? Saturday was pretty rough, and ended on that rougher moment.

Sunday has been better. I'm sitting here watching The Grammy Awards for the first time in my life. Weird, right? Well I didn't grow up watching or caring that much about TV. I figured it might be good to watch tonight since the chances of it having anything to do with IF would be very slim. Also, I have ten free songs to download this month and figured I might want to consider something different than Dave Matthews Band.

Here are my observations, in the order of my observing them:

LL Cool J is kinda handsome.
Bruno Mars has really white teeth.
Chris Brown still beat the shit of out his girlfriend 3 years ago - I don't care how fancy he dances.
I'm realizing I will probably have to wait for the end of the show to see Adele.
Wiz Khalifa. Really?
Ohhhh I do love Jason Aldean. Did I forget to mention I like country music? Also, hubba hubba.
Did anyone else think Kelly Clarkson's microphone looked like something from an adult toy store?
If I hadn't spent the last ten years being obsessed with DMB, I think I would have been a fan of Foo Fighters. I just feel like I missed too much to get started now.
I miss Nirvana. I don't think Kurt Cobain would have clapped at the end of his own performance.
Rhianna and Coldplay... because that makes so much sense. I guess I needed to pee again.
Dave Grohl for president!
Beach Boys. I do hope this picks up because I really am getting bored.
A freaking winter storm warning for tonight. COME ON SPRING.
I won't be downloading any Paul McCartney.
shit shit shit... who is this opening for Taylor Swift? The guy and girl... shit.
Taylor Swift - do I see your slip on purpose? Oh yes, your backup dancers match.
You are so sneaky Katy Perry.
Lady Antebellum's dress is so, so beautiful.
Adele is coming up next!
Stunning... I cannot even explain or rationalize why this happens, but I fight back tears whenever I hear Adele sing.
I must keep going because I already have downloaded everything she sings.
Oh I also have the Band Perry. Except mine didn't come with a grass hula skirt?
I could get more Blake Shelton. mrawr.
Like a rhinestone freaking cowboy.
I am officially up past my bed time.
Okay I just realized this goes until 11 and not 10. So sadly I have to give up for tonight.

This week should be good. I'm hoping to write a couple of posts with some TTC updates. So far I've still not had a positive OPK, but I am feeling like things are "happening" in there. I will count this cycle as a success if I get my period in the next 10 days or so. I'd really like to have a SUPER success of a BFP, but I just don't think I ovulated this month. We shall see, though. I'll probably POAS Friday-Sunday. AF is technically due Sunday the 19th.

Carrie Underwood, your dress AND eyelashes look like Morticia Addams put you together tonight.

I'm out.

Frustrated

2012-02-11T15:46:00.000-08:00

The stuff I am trying to keep on the top of my brain:

I am doing really well with this whole Metformin thing. Better than I've ever done.
I am losing weight. Even though I promised to only weigh myself on Wednesdays, I snuck one in this morning and saw I am down 2 more lbs.
We have a decent amount of money in our checking account even after we've paid our bills. I am really proud of how we've been sticking to our budget.
DHunter and I have been getting along great and talking more about goals/life than we have in the past.
Life in generally very good. I feel amazing physically and mentally (mostly) - I have been laughing more, and keeping up a good attitude about almost everything.

The stuff that keeps sneaking up to the top of my brain and pissing me off:

I feel like I am about to start my period and it makes me want to break stuff.
I forgot to take my temps a few days this week and I am feeling like a failure. Like not documenting my temperature is the reason I won't get pregnant somehow. Even though we are having sex consistently.
For the first time on this TTC journey I feel like I finally get why some of us have to stop following people that have just gotten their BFP. At least those that "barely had to try" or whatever. It makes me feel terrible that I think those thoughts, but it also makes me feel terrible that it can't be that easy for us.
I'm scared thinking if I really am going to start my period any second now, that maybe I have more issues with my reproductive system than just being fat. And then the guilt sets in (more than it already has) because I doubt an RE is going to do much for me until I lose all of this weight.

So yeah, I'm frustrated. I see so many great things going on in my life, but I can't help this constant wretched feeling that comes up and swallows everything good and forces me to believe I am defined by my inability to get pregnant. Very, very frustrating.

ramblings

2012-02-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

so listen, I suck at posting on wednesdays because .. well I have no excuse, I just suck. I've had an overwhelming week at work, and then I've also been somewhat consumed worrying/praying for a few bloggers that are going through tough shit right now. I psych myself out of posting things that may be really trivial during times like this because I'm like "well this isn't shit compared to what they are going through". Emily from A Peek Into Our Journey, I have every person I know in my life praying for you right now and those babies.

--

I lost a pound this week. I'll do my full WWW post tomorrow, but I wanted to just jot it down in case tomorrow turns into next wednesday double edition or something. happy about my one pound, I think it's a lot more realistic that this is how my weeks will go. hopefully!

Have I mentioned how much I suck at charting? so, I didn't realize that I ran out of OPKs (sniffle) until I went to reach for one yesterday morning. So my 2-a-day habit really effed me because now I'm not sure if I've had a spike or not during the time where I really think it was going to happen. Also my temps have been a little higher this week, not sure what to think there except that the herbs are supposed to influence body temp.

I am really rambling at this point, please know I don't expect anyone to read this.

ANYWAY, what I am trying to get at is that I was basically going to give up this cycle because I couldn't get the charting stuff to make any sense and I'm like on CD17 or something, but then tonight I came home and I (get ready, TMI alert) had all kinds of EWCM. soooooooo yeah I ran upstairs and put my little nightgown on and gave mr hunter the googlie eyes while I figured out the special lube and BOOM BOOM BOOM. Whatever, I'm sure it's nothing, but I've never EVER seen that stuff before? So hopefully I did the right thing. Which is hilarious, because heaven forbid it be SO EASY to just HAVE SEX AND MAKE A FREAKIN BABY.

more later this week, I promise.

xoxo

Prayers needed!

2012-02-03T14:45:00.000-08:00

Emily was just admitted into the hospital at 22 weeks - she is currently pregnant with triplets. She'll be there until she delivers, which the doctors hope won't happen for another 4 weeks. Please keep her in your prayers and send her all the love you can. You are the most amazing, uplifting, and encouraging group of people I know! Thank you so, so much :)

Weekly Wednesday(delayed) Weigh-In: Week 2

2012-02-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal:

My goal is to lose 40 lbs by the end of May.
Starting weight: 40 lbs too many
Last week's weight: 40 lbs too many
Current weight: 32 lbs too many (loss of 8 lbs)

Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals:

Progress on last week's activities

I did get up and move more, but not as much as I wanted. The stairs ended up being a bit more challenging than I’d hoped. But, I do try to use them every evening a few extra times than needed (like when I am getting laundry done, I’ll go up and down them three times before I get the basket). We never did end up going to the rec center. I have been incredibly run down/tired in the last few days and I sorta talked myself out of doing much. We played DC2 twice and felt like we got a great workout with that.
We both have been having a hard time waking up any earlier than we already are, so the dog walking each morning was basically not happening. We are going to try and do this now in the evening.
We got the scale. Which is how I found out yesterday morning that I am down 8 lbs. I am confident with my start weight because I’ve been to the doctor twice this month and also weighed myself at mom’s two weeks ago and every time it was all the same. HOLY MOLY 8 LBS LOST.

Activities and goals for this week

My goals this week are to move more than last week. We’re going to try evening walks now instead. I feel like I need to add more structure to the week to ensure that I am spending 20-30 minutes with dedicated physical activity. And now that AF has left town, maybe some of this activity can be scandalous. LOL, I know, I know. Walking and stairs and DC2 again this week.
Now that I’m done drinking soda, my goal is to make sure I fill my 24oz water bottle up 4 times every day at work. I am pretty convinced that my elimination of soda and increase of water is a major factor in my weight loss this week. I have also been very good about packing my lunch every day and making sure it’s healthy stuff. That way when I get home if dinner isn’t 100% healthy, at least the overall day was better than it was before I started this deal.
That leads me to another goal of getting back on track with making weekly grocery lists with more healthy foods. We had a horrible week of eating at restaurants / ordering out. This has everything to do with us being tired and having no desire to grocery shop after work (I leave the house at 7:30 and get home at 7:00 every day). The good thing this week is that I limited my “bad for you” meals and tried to show restraint on getting second helpings, etc.

On-going Life Style goals

I’m toying with the idea of joining a gym, but I just don’t know how much that’s going to help. I would get it covered through work (we have great benefits), but I have a hard time wondering if this would be worth it since I have a small gym available to me 3 or 4 steps down the road. Does anyone have any tips on this? I am having the hardest time feeling comfortable working out while other people can see me L

Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing:

No recipe or advice this week. Just more of a “final thought” from my first week in this WWW group. I know it may seem strange that I lost 8 lbs, and yet here I am barely exercising and still eating unhealthy food. I don’t know how else to put it except that I just have a ton of weight to lose.

My starting weight last week was 293 lbs.

I am 5’8’’.

That means my BMI last week was 44.5, and this week it’s 43.3.

I weighed myself 5 times yesterday morning and saw 285 every time. I am ecstatic, of course; but I have so much weight to lose that it’s also completely depressing. I seem to get to this 285 range every 6 months or so when I get on a “diet” kick, and then it dawns on me that I have an enormous task ahead and I give up. Every time. I’ve not gotten below 280 in 4 years. There was a time in 2006 that I was down to 234 (from 276). I hang on to that weight watchers card in my jewelry box to remind myself that it’s technically possible. But there is a huge part of me that is terrified I am not going to be strong enough to keep going. That I am going to be morbidly obese forever and never be able to conceive. So for me to say “hey I want to lose 40 lbs by May” and see if I can do it, I think for me… that’s going to be the only way I can do it right now. Because if I were to put up that I technically need to lose 140 lbs to get into the “normal” category… well… I can barely finish this sentence because I am so freaking ashamed.

I can’t control what you decide to put in the comments section, but I hope that if you do comment that you understand how hard it was for me to write this post. I was even a day late for crying outloud J But as hard as it was, I am willing to try whatever tricks I can to make a change in my life. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to be healthier and continue on a journey to live a fulfilling life. Of course having a baby would be amazing; maybe I needed a goal this big to finally have the strength to keep pushing forward.

Thanks for hanging in there if you made it this far J

I'm all over the place.

2012-01-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to mention that I am doing AMAZING this week with my meds and eating healthy. I've also cut out soda almost completely (I had a sip of diet coke last night and 1/2 a root beer today - caffeine free). I've done my stairs once and walked the dogs once (different days). This evening we're planning to go to the rec center for a change of pace. We'll see how that goes. Tomorrow will be interesting. We normally make homemade pizza every Saturday and try to have friends over. We're literally having a Dance Central 2 party, and I'm not going to feel embarrassed about that at all. It's hysterical fun and you burn lots of lbs.

Anyway, we'll just have to see how the pizza thing goes. I know it's not exactly healthy, but I am finding all sorts of ways to justify having it. I do think one or two pieces wouldn't be the end of the world, especially if I eat healthy 6.5 days out of the week. Also, one or two pieces is better than a whole pizza, right? hah. I keep thinking about my overall goal and it would sure be nice to see the scale go down a few lbs next Wednesday. That's the part of me that wonders if I'll have carrots instead. Stay tuned!

Also, I must mention that AF has been wretched to me this week. I'm going on 3+ ultra heavy days in a row. Boo :( I look at all of these charts on FF and find myself getting really jealous of the ones where the ladies only have 3-4 days total AF, with sometimes 1 heavy day. Well.. and then I get even more jealous that so many end up with BFP at the end. I'm trying very hard to not think like that, though. It's just been a very emotional few weeks, and then with AF I am also feeling quite bitchy. For example, I was sitting here eating my lunch this afternoon daydreaming about telling my pregnant, high school dropout 22 year old cousin (with a 4 year old from a different father than her current husband) (who she is separated from now) that I basically hated her for being so dumb.

Like I just kept picturing myself shaking her and just asking her over and over "Why are you so dumb?" Nothing else, nothing that would actually make sense or get me anywhere. I just kept thinking of ways to tell her how much anger I have over her situation. And then I wondered if I could actually do that somehow without getting totally ostracized from my extended family. Because of course they celebrated her recent pregnancy announcement like "oh my Gosh how amazing we are so pleased!!". Really? You are living with your mom and sister and daughter and sometimes husband in your mom's one bedroom trailer. And you have no job. And no front teeth. And I'm pretty sure a million other things that just make me want to throw up. And yet you have the one thing that I can't seem to have, and it just seems so fucking unfair.

Aye. Sorry for such a rambling post. It's just been one of those days.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In: 1st Week

2012-01-25T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm not making any promises here, but I think I'm going to join up to this WWW thing that Josey is doing. I think it'll help me stay more accountable to the weight-loss component of our overall TTC goals this spring. The only part I'm going to do differently (at least for now) is the statement of my actual weight. I can't decide if I'm really uncomfortable with the ~~incredibly high~~ number, or if I am worried that you all will get super offended somehow because I really, REALLY am that overweight. So for the time being, I'll be using some other way to define my goals.

Here we go then.

Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal:

My goal is to lose 40 lbs by the end of May.
Starting weight: 40 lbs too many
Last week's weight: n/a
Current weight: 40 extra

Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals:

Progress on last week's activities

Activities and goals for this week

My goals for this week are pretty basic. I just want to get up and move more. I want to take the dogs for a 20 minute walk before I leave for work each morning. I also want to play Dance Central 2 (please don't laugh) at least three nights for 30 minutes. On two nights I want to use my stairs for exercise (we have three levels, all with vaulted ceilings = lots of stairs to climb). I think for now I will walk up and down the stairs for 15 minutes and see how it goes. Again, please no laughing! Stairs bum me out :o(
Get our scale from my mom's house - we accidentally left it there when we moved. I have honestly let this hold me back from starting this week, and it's getting annoying. So here I am holding myself accountable! hah

On-going Life Style goals

I've stopped drinking soda completely and now only drink water / sometimes milk at dinner. I'm also waking up earlier to have more time in the morning to spend with DHunter and then ideally for walking the dogs.

Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing:

We roast all kinds of vegetables now instead of preparing them any other way. We recently have gotten addicted to roasted brussel sprouts and bok choy. A tiny bit of olive oil and 30 minutes in the oven is all it takes.
We have replaced ground beef with ground turkey in everything from tacos to chili. I know other people probably do this, but ground turkey plus a healthy spice cabinet = happiness in your mouth.
I created a board on Pinterest that is only for healthy food ideas. It makes the grocery list every Sunday a lot easier.

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Alright, well I hope I did everything right. I know there isn't a huge set of rules for this, but you know what I mean. It felt good to type it all out. Until next time :)

CD1 - The TTC game plan

2012-01-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

My period started today. We are officially over the 1 year mark TTC. I don't know what to think about that, except that last year our efforts were not exactly "best in class". I think we were somewhere in the middle of not preventing and actively trying. Our goal now is to take it to the next level and get more serious in our "trying".

To that end, here is what we've come up with for this cycle that started today, and the next 4 months (but crossing my fingers it doesn't need to go on longer than 1 month!!!!):

I had my blood work panel done at the beginning of the month and talked with my general doctor about our desire to get pregnant. I asked him if we could work on getting my thyroid levels to be around a 2 instead of the 3.8 that I am at currently. He agreed and we upped my dosage a level, which I have been taking now for a week.
We also discussed diet, exercise, PCOS and how the Metformin really could do great things for me if I could just stay on it for more than a couple of weeks. So I am back on that and believe my current plan is to get up to 1500 mg/day. This is going to be hard for me, but I'm going to commit to it for 4 months and track everything (weight loss, side effects, effect on period, etc).
Charting my temp, CM, and BD with fertilityfriend account.
In addition to the thyroid meds and Metformin, I'll be taking Vitex and Dong Quai three times a day. I'm going to try and keep that up for 4 months as well to see if the combination of everything can help bring back my period w/o needing Provera. I know a couple of you have tried this and had success with it, so I figured I'll give it a go and document everything I can.
We are committing to 30 minutes of exercise 4 days a week. My goal is to lose 10 lbs a month over the next 4 months, which would bring me back to the weight I was at in high school. Obviously that is still considered obese, but I tend to do better with smaller goals. 40 lbs may seem like a lot to some of you, but I have over 100 to lose. For now we're going to work on just incorporating exercise, and then we'll be adjusting our diet as needed. We don't eat that terribly, so I'm hoping that increasing our exercise will help make a significant improvement. I may try to join this weekly weigh-in thing that Josey is doing, but we'll see. Any advice on this Josey would be great.
This month we will be trying the Conceive Plus lubricant if we can pinpoint an ovulation day. There are only 3 applicators filled with the lube, so we'll have to be pretty sure we are paying attention to the signs. We'll try it and see how it goes. Next month we may try Pre-seed, but I'm not sure. Conceive Plus was on Amazon Prime :)
I'll be doing the OPK tests twice a day, just because I feel like I haven't pee'd on enough stuff lately.
I'm giving up caffeine and soda entirely for the next 4 months. This may seem like a stupid question, but do you think my husband would benefit from doing the same? I am trying to encourage him to do it, but I haven't checked to see if that has an influence on male fertility. According to his SA last fall, he had low morphology and motility, but very high overall count. I may try to find some other things that he can be doing this month so he can feel like he has some stuff to track of his own.

That's the basic plan. I am going to try my hardest to post more frequently just for documentation purposes, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also asking for some encouragement along the way. Feel free to comment on anything I've written so far - I like to get your perspective on these things, especially this early in the cycle. Thanks for making it this far with me. I am really hoping 2012 brings some great things - better overall health and hopefully a healthy pregnancy. We are so, so ready to have a great year!

Thank you

2012-01-22T17:01:00.000-08:00

Sup dudes. I wanted to say thanks for all the well wishes and sweet comments this week. I had these moments in my day where I was feeling really down, and all of the sudden my email would ding and I'd have a nice comment on the blog. I love all of you dearly and really feel like I have this special extra family out here on the internets.

Things are still a bit somber, but overall I think everyone is handling the loss of my grandpa as best they can. I spoke with my grandma for about 45 minutes yesterday, and although we got teary for maybe 5 minutes, the rest of the conversation was pretty calm - almost upbeat. She has always been an incredibly strong woman, and I have sometimes mistaken it for her being cold. What I am learning, though, is that she is an emotional being just like the rest of us, and she is going through the grief process in her own unique way.

I grew up believing that crying was inappropriate, regardless of the reason. It wasn't until I met my husband that I finally felt comfortable crying in front of another person (sorry babe, you got what you asked for). I also realized that I could count on one hand the amount of times I'd seen my mom cry, and wondered if she got that from my grandma. The last several months have shown without a doubt that my grandma operates the same way. What I find really interesting is that she doesn't question this "no crying" deal - it's probably something she also learned from her parents and so on. She kept telling me yesterday "everyone tells me I am going to have to go through these emotions and it will take time, but I just have no idea how to let it happen". I tried to tell her that there are steps in the grief process and that it won't always go in the same order as it would for other people. I said the best thing she could do was to try and let herself cry when she needed to and not feel guilty about it. I told her to talk about grandpa as often as she could and continue to share memories with all of us, that we would never tire from hearing them. I am not sure if this was the right advice to give, but she said thank you afterwards and I feel like we connected a bit differently than we ever have. We're going to try and skype a bit more often so we can stay in touch, which is something I'm really looking forward to.

Pretty intense week, that's for sure. I'm working on another post tonight to detail our upcoming TTC plans, and then later this week I'll try to get something up here to talk about the promotion I got at work last Monday (the same day I got the sad news about my grandpa, holy stressful batman). Oh and then finally I should have some pictures to post showing off the new apartment. Lots of stuff on my plate right now, but overall I'm feeling very positive and excited about the weeks/months to come.

Tomorrow will be better

2012-01-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

My grandpa passed away very early this morning. My grandma was by his side - he called her into his room like he does several times a night - and he said "I love you Suzanne. Thank you for taking such good care of me". Within minutes he was gone.

I can't really say that I am in shock, because we've known we were down to days and minutes for a very long time. But somehow the holidays came and he made it through, and there was part of me that maybe just forgot? Forgot that he was as sick as he was. Forgot that I could get the call at any time.

My mom called to tell me and all I can remember is that I started crying immediately. Not just little tears and an attempt to be strong, it was bawling and snot and incoherent mumbling for thirty solid minutes. And then I'd get my shit together and get some work done and check on my mom, but like a brick wall it would hit me all over again. I have never cried like this before; usually I slowly get worked up over something...but it just keeps hitting me and the tears are instant.

I've lost one other person in my family - my paternal grandma - about 6 years ago. She was also very sick at the time, and I can remember feeling a major sense of relief for her once she passed. I am sure I will begin to feel this way about my grandpa, but right now I am just super sad. He was an awesome grandpa.

I love you bud. So, so much.

So ready for Friday

2012-01-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

I don't have much to say. Just that I started the Provera on Monday and I ended up having very dark/positive OPK results all week. Anyone ever had that happen? I mean I know I shouldn't be wasting the OPK's, but curiosity got the best of me I suppose. Regardless, I'm expecting AF early next week and looking forward to seeing where this cycle might go. I'm not sure what it is, but I just am feeling excited about it, like for some reason there might just be a chance? Doubtful, but who knows! Seems like lots of natural stuff is happening around the internets this month.

Has this week been entirely exhausting to anyone else? I can barely stay up after 9 PM right now. I am waking up really early though to spend more time with the hubster, but.. I dunno. Just definitely ready for the weekend.

Hopefully next week I can actually start talking about something substantial. No promises, though.

You stay classy.

Oh, hello there January

2012-01-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

What up! Guess who finally got The Internets set up in the new apartment? Ohhh yeah baby, life is so good!

We have now been in our new place for about a week. We are getting a routine down and things are going great. I really don't have any pictures to share just yet because we are still bringing over boxes/furniture and trying to figure out where to put our stuff. This place is over twice the size of any apartment we've ever had, so it's been kinda fun playing with the layout of everything. Having a second bedroom and an office makes me feel like a real grown-up. We have three toilets for crying out loud.

Tonight we I am sitting here in the after-glow of an amazing(!) football game while DHunter is throwing a tantrum. You see, his only flaw is that he's a Chiefs fan out here in the infinite sea of Te.bow. Poor, poor guy ;) Anyway, his team beat us last weekend so I'm not sure what his deal is.

This post is going to turn into thought vomit, but I don't even have the energy to set up bullet points. Sorry.

We had a great Christmas in Phoenix with my in-laws. We were there for about four days and got to spend some great quality time with everyone. We also got some really cool stuff from his family, and I think they all loved the things we got them. My favorite part of the trip was sitting outside near the fire drinking wine with my MIL. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be writing that; words cannot express how grateful I am that I am able to.

We came back to the dumb week of holiday-in-between where absolutely nothing gets accomplished, and everyone seems to get sick. I wound up with strep again and my brother had another kidney stone that required surgery. Joy! We are all good now thankfully. The downside was that my family's Christmas celebration got postponed to this weekend (the one we are in right now). It was fun, but awkward in that sense that like... you are just very ready for the holiday to be over by now. Not in a bah humbug sort of way, but hopefully you know what I mean.

So the holidays are officially over, which means my job (college admissions) goes from crickets chirping to did-someone-lace-my-leftovers-with-crack-cocaine all week. I have never been so busy in my life. Hours are passing like minutes for whatever reason. I like being busy, but I could take it a couple notches slower this week for sure.

I did get some great news during the holiday-in-between regarding my shoulders: I will not need surgery after-all. The specialist I was referred to did not see a tear at all, but thinks I could benefit from doing about 8 weeks worth of physical therapy. Bring it on, especially if it makes me stronger and not in pain all of the time. Really super hoping this works.

I also had a check-up with my normal doctor this week (that looks like Rob Lowe (hubba, hubba)) and he will be rechecking my thyroid and all that fun-ness. I think it'll be good to have those current results on hand since we are planning to contact the infertility center in the next month or so. Right now I've been charting a little bit just to see where I'm at with habits and stuff. Monday I start up the Provera again. I had some slight spotting over the course of the last 2 months, but nothing that indicated a full-on visit from AF. I've been testing every 4-5 days just to of course see if a miracle was in the works. Sadly, none of that as of yet. So, once again I purchased AF a round-trip ticket and contracted an escort to basically guarantee her arrival in the next 10 days.

That's where I am right now. I'd like to give my cycle one more chance to try something on it's own and then we'll be making the appointment with the RE. The only difference between October's cycle and now is that I am also on Metformin again. Bye-bye happy stomach.

The weight-loss goals took a nose dive (jump?) the week before Thanksgiving, so we are trying now to get that back on track. It's so dang challenging! I keep waiting for this huge burst of energy to come and entice me to visit the gym that is literally 15 steps from my front door - but it just hasn't happened yet. Hoping this week we can at least walk over there and look in the window. Pathetic, I know.

I don't really have much else to share with you tonight McBloggerson. It feels good to be back online. I'll probably be back Tuesday since the mister has a traveling thing he's doing. ex oh ex oh. muah.

Only ten days left...

2011-12-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

I can't say that I'm shocked the year is coming to an end - I mean obviously this happens every 12 months. But I am shocked at the last two months - I feel like they have passed in one giant blur. This time of year always sneaks up on me, and then it's over by the time I'm mentally ready for it to begin in the first place. This year especially. A lot happened in 2011. And in some cases, not enough. But I'm proud of the things we accomplished, and I'm hopeful for the goals we have for 2012.

The last ten days of 2011 are going to be busy. We leave for AZ tomorrow for 4.5 days to celebrate Christmas with my husband's family, and then we come back and do the same thing with my family the next weekend. Oh and we move out of my parents house that same weekend! The countdown begins for being naked whenever we want! YAY NAKED.

I can't wait to show some pictures of the new place - we fell in love with it the second we opened the door. It's 3 stories and is absolutely stunning. It's within walking / bike-riding distance to tons of shit, so we are very excited about that. Our unit is also very close to a large open space for the dogs, which was a major factor for us this time. Our last place sucked in that regard. Anyway, I'll post up some pictures as soon as I can.

I promise once January gets here that I will be back into blogging mode. I've slowly started checking my reader again and getting myself back on track. One of the major setbacks I had was that our internet policy at work changed, and I no longer felt "safe" posting or commenting from that network. I love everyone here dearly, but not enough to lose my job over. So, expect more late-night comments and posts in the future.

Well, I guess this was a bit of a boring post. I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas. I have all of you in my prayers. Stay warm and safe and tell people you love them as often as you can. I love you all. xoxoxo

yo

2011-12-12T12:38:00.000-08:00

Dear internet infertility blog,

I haven't been on here much lately. I've been immersing myself into the holidays and have tried to take a breather for a few weeks. A lot has happened, nothing bad and nothing miraculous, but a lot of just regular life stuff I suppose. I'm not promising to race right back, but I don't think I'm going away forever. Just need a bit longer to figure some stuff out.

Love,
M

I'm trying to keep tabs on as many of you as I can. I'm so happy to hear Josey had a healthy little girl. And LisaL got a great 3rd beta. And Maria... I just have no words to describe how hopeful I am for you right now. I also got nominated for all of these awards in the last couple of weeks - I promise to come back for that very soon.

I love all of you and hope you are all enjoying the holidays. Stay classy.

Thinking of changing my blog name...

2011-11-22T12:22:00.001-08:00

... over to "Witty Bullet-Points-Own-Me Fertility"

I don't really feel like I'm the only one who could use a Thought Vomit November. Eh?
I passed my class with an "A" grade. It was the first time I scored 1000/1000 points in a graduate-level class. Oh my goodness how I want to use excessive exclamation points right now. eeeeeeeeek. Okay, I'm better. Only 7 more classes to go.
My Kin.dle Fi.re = rocks me like a hurricane. Except for the small part I didn't research ahead of time that prevents me from viewing gmail or blogger without ninja hacker skillz. Thankfully, I have them.
I get to leave my house tomorrow at 4 AM to drive to the airport. D.Hunter is not going on this trip with all of us, and that makes me sad. The whole trip in general is going to be really sad because I'm pretty sure my grandfather may not make it to Christmas, let alone another Thanksgiving. I'm feeling weird because I haven't really ever gone through anything like this (I know I'm very lucky), and I expected that I would be super emotional. But I'm not, and I wonder what kind of person that makes me?
My body is starting to act like it was last Spring with the whole "I'm going to give you all these symptoms of AF without actually letting AF visit" bullcrap. It makes me want to punch something.
I still haven't made an appointment to talk with a therapist, but it's on my list of things to do when I get back. Other things on my list:

Purchase D.Hunter's birthday and Christmas gifts
Finish making my holiday cards (I'll post pics)
Look for a new job (more on this later)
Host our annual cookie exchange
Purchase my ornament for the ornament exchange
Purchase white elephant gift
Attend two holiday parties
Make appt with new RE sometime after January!

Oh, snap. I just did a bullet list within a bullet list.
It's time for me to change laundry around and get some more work done. I won't be around much until next week, so I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Oh yeah, also I hate mohair sweaters. Thanks for stopping by.

Coming up for air

2011-11-14T19:53:00.001-08:00

I am still here - still truckin along. It's been almost 6 days without all the waterworks, so I guess that's a bit of progress :o) Although every time I got one of your comments last week, I had to click away and read something else really fast to not be completely overcome with "you really, really like me" tears. I still haven't fully been able to read everything that everyone wrote because I'm not sure I'm ready just yet. I am definitely lucky to have found so many people that understand what I'm going through and can offer support. I really have not found anything quite like this little space I have here with all of you, and I am feeling extremely blessed.

I will try to make it out for TVT this week to give some more updates. I have been slowly getting my homework done for this class I'm in, so honestly that's the main reason I've not been commenting much for the last week or so. Sunday after my final is done, I plan to go back and read the 2968296693486 posts I've missed.

Also, my Ki.ndle gets here tomorrow. WOOOOOOOTERIOUS.

Love you all. Seriously. xoxo.

Wishing my life away

2011-11-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

I really wish that:

Eating healthy and exercising was more appealing
I wasn't such a sucker re: Ma.ry K.ay - could I please just buy my foundation and be done with it?
I would stop getting my hopes up for a normal cycle
I knew how to get myself to stop crying
Our saltwater tank would stop growing red slime
Whatever I'm about to write doesn't ruin me for the rest of the night

I feel like all of my days are spent like this now, wishing that certain things were different, or better. I'm stuck in that mode where I am not appreciating the things in front of me. As upset as I am about my cycle this month, I have to remind myself that it was incredible that I had a cycle at all. But of course my mind just won't allow that to be enough. I have permitted myself to somehow be overtaken by non-stop thoughts of all things baby, and I am slightly ashamed of myself in some ways. I don't know how people go through this crap for years and years. Just one year (realistically 8-9 months since you don't ever suspect IF right off the bat), and I'm sitting here wondering what my life has turned in to? I feel an incredible amount of guilt that I am constantly crying to my husband on a weekly basis now. I would venture to say that every waking hour and most of my sleeping hours are consumed with everything TTC. D.Hunter firmly believes that I am stressing myself out over nothing, and that I need to just let all of this go? Am I to the point of needing therapy? I was sorta hoping that this blog would save me from that, but now I'm not so sure.

I am feeling really shitty about my weight more than anything. I feel very alone in this. I feel ashamed, and I feel like there are times that I don't really belong in this community. I see a lot of other women out there struggling, and while on the surface we want the same things (baby), I feel like there is this very distinct difference in that I am morbidly obese. And because I am the queen of constantly living in other people's shoes, I have to wonder if the people reading my blog are like "what an idiot, obviously you need to just go lose weight and you'll be cured". Sometimes I really question if I am even suffering from infertility, and that thought just causes me to tailspin even further. I am truly scared to death that I will not be able to lose weight in time to have a baby. I have struggled with my weight since before I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are those of playing with kids in daycare and pretending like I was some little boy's wife, only being told he couldn't marry me because he wanted to marry one of the skinny girls. But I could still hold hands with him in the meantime if I wanted to. Or how in middle school I was forced to wear boys husky jeans because plus-size girl kids clothing didn't really exist. I never did anything about it - I was young and I don't know that it occurred to me that I Could do something about it. Everyone just let me cry myself to sleep and eventually I accepted my weight as a part of who I was.

But back to right now, I am really feeling stuck. I know both of us really need to lose weight. I've mentioned before that between us, we have an entire obese person we need to lose. I just feel like I always seem to sabotage myself when we start these diets because I never seem to make it more than 1-2 weeks. This Du.kan thing was a total failure after-all. I know better than to try and get some fad diet to work, because obviously the parts that appealed to me were the parts that made it really unrealistic for the long haul. I know I need to eat healthy and get exercise, but something is always holding me back. I have no idea what it is, but I know it's been there for years and years. I am extremely apprehensive to dig very far and figure it out because I don't want it to be some major thing that has to be dealt with. I'm tired of dealing with major things. I just want to wake up one morning (preferably tomorrow, thanks) and have the drive to start something and actually see it through to a great result. Instead, I seem to wake up at the last second every day, race to work, consume myself with work, sit in traffic for 1.5 hours on my way home, and then zone out until it's no longer an inappropriate time to call it a night. 5 days a week, that is my life. Sometimes I have enough energy to go to the store, but only if I get to buy something exciting, or eat something tasty.

I'm tired of putting on this constant show of "I'm so laid back, nothing bothers me". I'm tired of feeling like I have to talk to people or make them laugh just so they don't wonder if something is wrong. I'm tired of getting up most days and having to do anything, really. I'm tired of spending money we don't have in hopes that buying something is going to make me feel better or allow me a new opportunity to immerse myself into something long enough to take my mind off of everything. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of complaining and talking about this crap all the time, especially because I KNOW I need to just get up and do something about it. If I found this post on someone's blog, I would be rolling my eyes and saying "dude, get over it. go get a therapist, and go for a damn walk".

I hope by the next time I post something, I have done those two things. Because I have a feeling I might be a little bit depressed.

TVT

2011-11-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

What up! I'm in such a better place today emotionally. I think yesterday I finally let a lot of stuff go that needed it. I hate the cliche that we have to put our problems in perspective (I have a roof over my head, food to eat, people that love me (at first I wrote people to eat? I'm hungry)), because I totally know I have it good. I don't think it makes my sadness or frustration any less valid, but you know.. I do have control over my perspective, and I think it's time to pick myself up and get back to the happy stuff.
After my massive cry sesh last night with D.Hunter, he was doing everything in his power to make me laugh and feel better. I love that man more than anything in the world. He started to tell me this long story about going out to get muffins with my dad for my dad's team (not sure if I mentioned that they work together?). This made my husband pretty irritated, because they were already late from the snow and all the idiots on the road. So he is finishing up his story and mutters "and whatever. Muffins are for people that don't have the balls to eat cake for breakfast"... hahahahahahahahaha I just died laughing.
It's so mfn cold right now, and I loveeeee it. Love it. I love scarves! And warm socks! And layers of clothes! I don't love the ice and traffic that comes with all this snow, but everything else just makes me happy in my heart.
Thanksgiving is almost here, and the anxiety is setting in. DH won't be with me for the 6 days I'm gone in Ohio visiting family, and that's just really starting to hit me. Seriously, it's less than three weeks from now? What the hell.
My Kin.dle will be here in 9 days. I have been considering making one of those chains with some craft paper so I can do a proper countdown, but honestly by the time I put it together, the package will probably be here.
I have been having really strange feelings in my "area" this week. Strange little pangs? zings? I don't know. And the boob units don't hurt at all, which is normally happening by this time in my cycle. Oh and I have headaches now every day. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN! Oh and then...
I checked my chart this morning on FF, and for the first time ever, there was a day in the Ovulation section. I guess my temps have indicated that I probably did ovulate last week, which oddly enough was the exact time that I thought my OPK was darker. So yeah, I guess my body is at least trying to do something normal. Nothing I can really do about the whole MRI and loads of Ad.vil I've been taking, but I think for the next week maybe I'll pay more attention to what's going in my body? What do you think?

Halloween picture, and then a brain dump

2011-11-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

Molly had some hunter orange too, but it didn't quite fit.

So here's my Halloween costume. Not super creative, but everyone thought it was really funny. No one would ever expect this out of me, so I thought it was perfect. Plus I'll be able to actually use all of it. Hunting is something I'm somewhat interested in learning more about (see more below), but for now I'm pretty content with target shooting and clay pigeons. Can you tell from just this first paragraph that this post will be all over the place? I'm sorry already.

Truthfully, this may not be the most up-lifting, well-planned, formatted or spell-checked post (actually, I take that back, I have the automatic spell-checker in this browser), but whatever. I have junk on my mind and I want to get it downloaded just in case it can help improve the shit-tastic week I am having. I won't be totally devastated if you decide to close the window, and I'm sorry in advance if you keep reading and I somehow offend you.

So for those following along, Saturday I went for my MRI. I started having a ton of anxiety over it because I had somehow convinced myself that maybe I had ovulated last week? and what if perhaps the MRI was not the best idea in case I could be pregnant? Blech. Why do I even let my brain go there? There is no way at all that any of those stupid OPK tests came back positive, I am clearly being totally ridiculous. My family sat me down and reminded me how awful the shoulder pain had been last month (the reason for the MRI), and that I made them vow last week to not let me back out of the test. So, I popped my calmyourshitdown pill (something I've not taken since last winter) and went to the xray center for my appointment. I fill out all the forms, they give me more happy pills and off I go.

I talked with the xray lady for a good twenty minutes about everything that was about to go down. I am super freaked out that I am going to somehow get stuck in the MRI tube. She tells me that people twice my size are in there all the time, and that I seriously should not worry about this at all. She goes over everything one more time, and we finally get started. I'm making a huge deal out of this, I already know that, but you guys... I HATED IT. Every second of it sucked. No one ever said a word to me about the loud buzzing and weirdo clacking noises that were going to take place. Oh and people twice my size?? Maybe in a machine twice as big! I was a mess. But, I was a champion MRI patient, because they were able to get it all done without me moving at all. She said she expected to have to redo it several times with how freaked out I was, but... nope, just once. Whatever, she probably tells that to everyone. I got my disc of the images and went out for lunch with D.Hunter.

The rest of the weekend was one giant blur. We had our Halloween holiday party with my brother and SIL and then SIL's sister and boyfriend also showed up. Plus all of the dogs. And the baby (obviously the baby was there, I am not trying to be a wench). Which, I really wish someone would have given me a better expectation for how that was going to go, because had I known the entire weekend was going to be dedicated to taking cute baby pictures for hours and hours, I would have probably RSVP'd to the kegger I was invited to instead. Not that I don't completely love my niece, but this was just entirely too much for me this weekend. I feel like everyone is watching what they say around me now, like they are having the time of their life until I walk into the room with my big IF halo and then boom, they try to act like the baby is no big deal, oh wow look at how much work it is, M, you are so lucky that you get to sleep in and have such a open schedule, blah blah blah.

Alright I am really trying to get to the point here. Because none of that really was all that big of a deal, I'm just overly emotional right now. It's just hard for me to think that being around everyone so much 24/7 at my parents house, it's completely overwhelming and I have no space to get away. I feel like I share too many things with them that I wouldn't necessarily share if we weren't living here.

Okay, so my main deal this week is that my doctor called with the MRI results and wouldn't you know it, I have a tear in a tendon or muscle or something, I have no idea he lost me as soon as he said tear. That was the absolute worst case scenario. I am so unbelievably angry that it took me four doctors to finally figure out that some serious shit was actually wrong with me. Everyone I went to said it was just some minor deal, inflammation and tendinitis, and it will totally go away just give it time. He said tear though and I just lost my shit. I have an appointment next week to go over the disc of images I have and talk about a treatment plan that I already know will likely include surgery. FREAKING OUT. He hung up so fast that I just sat there and let the thoughts marinate a bit. I tried to focus on work. Someone mentioned Halloween again, and I remembered that I dressed up in my hunting gear. Hunting gear that I was going to use this weekend on my first pheasant hunt. That I got specially selected for out of a massive group of people. And then my heart sank again because I realized I would need to get the doctor's permission to go, as carrying around a big shotgun all weekend may not be the best thing for this stupid TEAR.

He called back and said under no circumstances am I to go on this hunting trip, and that it will be several months before I would be able to shoot my gun again. You don't even get how badly I want to use the Lord's name in vain right now, something I vowed to my husband I would never, ever do again. Again, I know I am 100% over-reacting to all of this, but I was just extremely excited for this trip - for me this was a chance of a lifetime to experience something no one in my family has ever done. The monetary value of this trip was well over $1,000, but that was nothing in comparison to the stuff I was going to learn about the sport. I was being given a gift that had so many rewards, including a chance of finally having something in common with my in-laws that would maybe make me a little more appealing.

And on top of everything, I still don't think I've ovulated. My temps are all over the place and I just feel very, very lost in all of the TTC drama. I really feel so foolish for getting my hopes up this month. The only saving grace right now is that we are doing our diet and sticking to it pretty well. We don't weigh ourselves again until next week, but I can already feel a difference in my clothes. I just hate how long everything seems to take. That was always my biggest thing as a kid, too... everything big just took so so long to accomplish. And now that I'm older, shit still takes forever, even though time does seem to move faster for everything else. I'm not gonna lie, I'm about one more crappy thing away from throwing a full-on kicking-the-ground temper tantrum. If I could punch something right now, that would also help I think.

I hate it that my posts lately have been such downers. I get so sad every time I get a comment that says "sorry Mag that this is sucking so bad for you right now". I don't want you to feel bad for me at all. I am not on here trying to make people feel bad, that in itself makes me feel bad. I guess just right now things are in a bit of a funk. And I know it'll get better, and the sun will come out tomorrow and all that happy stuff. But right now you know, I'm just down. And I hope my poor formatting doesn't turn you off, but I have absolutely no intention of reading anything I just wrote.

Love you all - hope to have more positive fun stuff for TVT tomorrow.

If I had to place a bet

2011-10-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

The 6 PM second line last night seemed a tiny bit lighter than the one from 11 AM. And now this morning's 11 AM is even lighter, and definitely would be categorized as negative. My temp this morning increased from a 96.5 to a 97.1. I usually see the 97.1-97.3 when AF is in town. I don't really think it's that significant of a temp increase though, so I'm not feeling very confident that I ovulated. I'm going to just keep on keepin on and see what happens.

If I were a betting woman, I would put down a little cash on AF showing up again soon. I woke up feeling a lot of cramps in my lower abdomen, and I feel pretty run down. Again, it's not anything ultra painful or dramatic (I stayed up late ~~working on~~ looking over homework last night, so I'm tired for a reason), but it's enough to where I notice it. Oh, and I cried for no good reason right before I fell asleep, so that's another AF sign. Whatever. I feel super super negative right now, not sure why I am even posting something.

Tomorrow we are doing some costume shopping for us and the dogs, and then I have an MRI scheduled for 11 to check out my shoulders. I almost forgot about this because the pain has basically disappeared, but it did that once before so I know better than to just dismiss it. Hopefully the Valium haziness wears off in time for me to enjoy our Halloween party. Sunday is 100% dedicated to homework, which means I'll be basically hating life for several hours.

Thanks for everyone's awesome comments this week. Definitely worthy of more than one exclamation point!!! ;)

Have a great weekend!

!!!

TVT lite

2011-10-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

It snowed a lot, and it's really, really beautiful. The broken trees are not very beautiful, but I don't know really how that can be prevented. We ended up with about ten inches of snow in the last 24 hours. I didn't think to take pictures, but if any snow is left when I get home tonight, I will try to capture it for those of you living in non-snow states. Our snow tends to melt in a day, though, so don't get your hopes up.
I am CD13 today and had a semi dark second line on my 11 AM OPK. Yes, I have been POAS at 11 AM and 6 PM every day. I'm going to do it again tonight and see if the second line is as dark as it was this morning. I am not too sure I should count it as anything because the wrapper clearly says if it's not the same shade of darkness as the control, then it's technically not positive. But every day for the last month that second line has been so faint it was impossible to tell if it was really a line or a shadow. I could be convinced to post a picture tonight if this is really that interesting.
I have been tempted to open up Photoshop and add some snow or holiday decorations to the border of the TVT picture. I would get permission first, but this all came to me in a dream last night and it turned out totally amazing. As my dreams normally do.
My Kindle has still not arrived.
I am starting to panic because I have 73 emails in my inbox that need to be filed away. I have a hard time leaving at night if I have more than two or three that haven't been dealt with. Three more days and registration will close for the rest of fall. Then I breathe for a week and spring registration will open.
Designated Hunter replied back to my text about the possibly-positive OPK and it included three exclamation points. I am not usually a fan of excessive punctuation, but that message pumped me up. Maybe there is hope for my body to do something after-all.
!!!

Wherein I don't discuss my period.

2011-10-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

We had a BLAST last weekend in Wi.nter Park. It was one of those weekend trips where you come home feeling like you were gone Longer than two days. It was so wonderful to get away and spend some time together, even though some of it was a bit lazzzzzy. We watched a couple of episodes of Top Shot, and I cannot confirm or deny if we also watched most of The Fugitive. The king size bed was amazing! HFS do I wish I had several hundred dollars (and a larger room (in my own house)) to upgrade our bed. Some day!

Okay, so Friday night we finally got home from work - we both hit massive traffic coming from completely different areas of town - and finished packing up the car. We smooched our doggies and got on the road a little before 6:00. I was very happy that we made it all the way up there by 8:00 (thank you babe for being such a good driver during the night). We got checked in and unpacked, and it would be a lie to say we were not fast asleep by 9:00. Turning 30 has really lamed me out, man.

We woke up Saturday and made the plan to find some breakfast and drive around WP. We really wanted to find some shops to walk around that morning, and then ideally the sun would come out more in the afternoon so we could go hiking and possibly ride down the alpine slides. I WAS GETTING SO EXCITED.

Unfortunately, the entire town of WP had been overtaken by zombies. I think we counted about ten people in the town the whole time we drove around. I know it's a tourist town, but holy crap this was ridiculous. We ended up eating breakfast and driving around for awhile until we found some shops. We did some browsing and decided to purchase some wine glasses because it occurred to us that we brought a ton of wine and no glasses. We finished up and went back to our hotel, only to realize that we had also forgotten a corkscrew and plates for our snacks. DH (which he has decided means "designated hunter") left to get a corkscrew from downstairs, and then came back to fix us some cheese:

He was able to make a plate out of the room service menu and a plastic bag. So crafty!

So this is the part where we lost about 3-4 hours to the TV (and maybe a little boom town). We were still feeling super tired, and I was starting to feel the altitude I think. Eventually we got our act together and went back out in search of dinner. We found a yummy pizza place in town, so we hung out there for food and drinks. One weird side-note story: there was a lady sitting next to us eating hot wings with a fork and knife. Never in my life.

We called it an early night again. Sounds like SUCH a fun trip, eh? Well, Sunday was totally different. We got up and checked out of the hotel with the plan to take the long way home driving through Ro.cky Mo.ountain Na.tional Park and then on through Es.tes Park. We stopped for breakfast about halfway through the 1.5 hour drive, and the waitress said she was pretty sure the road was closed between the two parks. We somewhat dismissed it because it was 70 degrees out and no snow; we finished eating and continued on our trek into the first park.

RMNP isn't a turn off from the highway - if you are driving on the highway in that direction, you are forced to go through the park if you want to end up near EP or Bo.ulder. So, after paying the twenty bucks to get into the park, the ranger says to us "you can drive in for about 16 miles and then you'll have to turn around". The highway was officially closed for the season that morning. Boo. I know I could have asked for our money back, but we decided it'd be worth it in case we saw some elk, and then we'd also have plenty of opportunities to go hiking on one of the zillion trails. It ended up tagging on about 3 extra hours to our overall trip, though.

Here's where I'm going to stop talking and just post some pictures:

This was an hour outside WP looking back towards the mountains we just left.

This was at a lookout area in RMNP - so sad with all the dead pine trees :o(

Hooray for learning how to use the camera timer!

This was on our hike near the Colorado River.

Unfortunately, we were not able to score any drive by pie. HILARIOUS.

We really had a great time. Even though we had to turn around and come back home the long way, we really enjoyed each other's company and had some great chats about our life. He told me I am the best wife in the world, and that he loves how much I pay attention to him. I love how he always seems to say such amazing things to me at the exact time I need to hear it.

A few weeks ago I gave Mr. Designated Hunter an anniversary/graduation present of a handheld GPS. I did some decent research and tested a few out at some stores, and overall I think I made a great choice. He was totally shocked and continues to carry it around with him everywhere he goes. Well, it was my turn to be shocked this weekend because he put together a giant bag of stuff for me to celebrate our anniversary. He got me a ton of scrapbooking/cardmaking supplies for my xmas stuff I want to make. He also got me a freshwater pearl necklace that I totally fell in love with. And then I dig a little deeper and pull out a cardboard cutout with a picture of a new Ki.ndle on it. Holy crap, I am SO EXCITED for this thing to come in the mail!!! It doesn't get released until mid-November, but please believe I am racing to the mailbox every single day until it gets here. Eeek!

Okay, well I feel like this was a crazy long post. I decided to go ahead and post it after I got some encouragement to do so yesterday. Hopefully you have not fallen asleep.

Hello, Tuesday

2011-10-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back to work and things are busier than normal. Tomorrow we're supposed to get dumped on with snow, so I imagine we'll be working from home. I'm not a major fan of snow, so I think I'm kinda bummed out about it right now.

I started a massive update about our weekend away in WP, but I can't bring myself to post it because it really isn't IF-related at all. I have been feeling torn lately about what really should get posted here. In fact, I've been considering re-vamping the blog to have a simpler look and taking down the title. NOT because things have changed with TTC, but... well it has occurred to me that I am not very witty. I was more so looking for a word that rhymed with infertility because I had no idea what to call my blog. So there you have it. I come here and I see that title staring back at me every day and I'm just sorta over it. I'm going to remove the template soon once I've finished creating my new banner. Then maybe I will start posting more about my non-IF life in addition to all the wonderful AF details I know you are dying to find out.

It's CD11 according to FF. I've been very consistent with the temps and charting everything, so I feel somewhat happy about that. Like I have something I can fully control, which feels nice. I have been religious about the OPK tests for the last month, but so far I have only ever gotten 1 line. I've been looking into this Vit.ex herb as well. Not entirely sure if that will last since I'm a bit of a weirdo when it comes to pills, but I'll keep you posted.

We have been doing well on the healthy-eating plan. Wednesday we are finally, officially starting the Du.Kan diet I mentioned before. It's like 10 straight days of just protein, so hopefully I don't go insane. I like protein, but I am really going to miss fruits and vegetables.

I have a lot of ICLW stuff to catch up on. I snuck over to the list a bunch of times before it ever started and found some great blogs, but I really have a bad habit of being out of town whenever it launches for the month. If you are here from ICLW, thank you for coming over to check out my blog. I promise to get on track with my commenting tonight.

TVT

2011-10-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Going back to work this week has been exhausting. I am going to be completely useless tomorrow. My brain is seriously full of mush and I seem to have lost all desire to kiss anyone's ass. Plus my boss is still having my email forwarded to her, which makes a certain conversation I had with a co-worker a little more public knowledge than I would have preferred. So yeah, I'm pretty over it.
I was greatly looking forward to a lot of hot sex this weekend, but that stupid bitch AF is still hanging around. Really? Twice in a month, and each one lasts over 7 days? Boo.
I completely neglected my class this term, which means I will have to take an Incomplete and finish the work during the month of November, meaning further that I cannot take another class for the rest of fall, MEANING I now will not have any chance of graduating next year. Not the total end of the world, but 2012 just seemed so much sooner than 2013.
I still am not even sure why I am in graduate school. I'm basically half-way done, and I have no idea what I'm going to do afterwards except maybe teach. Which I just remembered as I was typing this out, so that kinda cheers me up.
I wish my dogs were people so I could talk to them and they could talk back to me. I'm realizing that I kinda wish I had some friends in real life that were as awesome as my dogs. I am sorta lonely in that regard I guess. DH is great, and is definitely my best friend, but I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a friend that is not related and/or married to me. Maybe even someone that would want to do crafts with me!
I have an MRI scheduled a week from Saturday and I get to have a Valium. Not excited for the MRI, but pretty excited that I'll be very mellow for our Halloween party later that night. I'm not a fan of dressing up really. At least not in a theme with the rest of the family.
I made killer chicken and dumplings this week.
I wanted to be in bed an hour ago.

Goodnight blog.

In other news

2011-10-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure you are tired of reading about it, I am so tired of talking about my period :o) So the only thing I'm going to say is that AF did in fact return, and I am now on CD4. Shortest cycle ever! And except for checking myself every two hours to prevent the disaster that happened last time, I wouldn't even know she was visiting.

I will finally be returning to work tomorrow, and I'm not too sad about it. I have enjoyed being home, especially the last two days completely alone, but I am ready to get back into the grind. I like being busy and having people that count on me for things. Plus I really, really miss a few of my co-workers. And okay, I miss my students! They drive me bonkers, but I really do enjoy talking with them all day long.

October seems to be flying by at lightening speed. I enjoy this particular month more than most, so I am somewhat sad that I spent most of it being sick. The good news is that DH has been a great planner, and we've been able to enjoy some fun time outdoors already since I've been home. Over the weekend we trekked out to Bo.ulder to stock up on some baking supplies and spices for the holidays. On the way, we saw some great fall colors on the trees, and then enjoyed an incredible walk down Pe.arl Street in 80 degree weather. I had to stop and rest about 27 times, but it was very worth it. Plus it was hilarious watching DH take in all the glory that is Pe.arl Street! In a five minute period, he saw multiple people with dreadlocks (something he'd never seen in person), a half-naked guy playing a bright blue cello, another half-naked guy in bronze paint pretending to be a statue, someone dressed in a zillion pieces of broken mirror (DH said he looked like a disco ball), and then a street performer that was in the midst of contorting his body through a toilet seat. I grew up visiting this street sometimes daily, so none of it really catches my eye anymore. But DH was mesmerized!!!

We eventually left Bo.ulder and got some groceries at Wh.ole Foo.ds. It was my dad's birthday this weekend, and we decided to make him a fancy dinner. Three grocery trips and $100+ later, we decided it might have been a better idea to take him out for his birthday. But I know he sure appreciated the home cooked meal and full control over the TV remote. We made him fish (his favorite) with clams, andouille sausage, leeks, fingerling potatoes, and assorted olives. I also used one of my new spices from our trip earlier in the day - a tarragon, shallot, and citrus blend. It all turned out delicious! Here is a recipe we started with if you're interested. This is the spice blend we picked up.

The next day we went to our local pumpkin patch/farm and picked out two pumpkins. This is the second time we've gone there, and even though the prices are a little higher, I love love love picking out and sawing off my own pumpkin from the vine. This is one thing I hope we maintain as a yearly family tradition, because I can't wait to take our future babes out to walk around and pick out their own pumpkin.

This coming weekend we are going to head up to Wi.nterpark so we can finally celebrate our first anniversary. We ended up going camping with my parents on the real one, and we've had to postpone this trip twice because of how sick I've been. I'm pretty sure this weekend is going to be our time, though, finally. We plan to head up Friday after work and check into our lodge, and then find someplace yummy for dinner. Saturday I'm hoping we can go for a bike ride and do some more fall sight-seeing in the mountains. It will be good to get away and enjoy some more one-on-one time together before the craziness of our holiday schedule sets in.

We are also finally on track with our diet plan. So far I am down 6 lbs, which makes me feel awesome! I have a ton more to lose, but I have been trying to keep things in smaller chunks as to not get very overwhelmed. If I can be down 20 lbs before we go to AZ for Christmas, I would be elated. I don't think that'll be hard to do since 1) I literally have 100 lbs I could lose, probably more and 2) It always seems to come off much easier in the beginning. I am keeping my head up and holding myself accountable for saying No to fast food, Yes to breakfast and healthy snacks, and Yes to 20-30 minutes of daily moderate exercise. So far so good :o)

Hope everyone has a great week - you are all in my thoughts and prayers every single day.

I'm home + sad news

2011-10-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say I've been released from the hospital and I'm feeling much better. Still not completely out of the woods, but they're hoping my body has basically fixed itself. I should be back to work on Wednesday. Unfortunately, I have no clue if this cycle is salvageable - sorta hard to check for CM when you're drugged out for 5 solid days. I tried to listen when they would come in at 4 AM to take my vitals every morning, but the only thing I could remember is that Friday morning my temp was 95.7. My temps have been averaging 96.6, which is low, but 95.7 seems a little off. Plus it was with an ear thermometer, which my OBGYN says is not very accurate. The rest of my temps were all around 99ish because I was so sick.

My chart says I'm CD20 today. I did an OPK yesterday and it was still clearly negative. I'm going to pick it back up with the charting and see what happens, but I think my body is just whacked out from the trauma from the week.

The hubbster and I finally had a little "us time" yesterday morning, which honestly felt a lot more unplanned and enjoyable than it had been for weeks. I think seeing me in the hospital really threw him this week. I just can't even begin to explain how amazing he has been, and how lucky I am to have someone that cares about me so passionately. Very, very lucky.

So after the BD yesterday morning, last night when I used the restroom I noticed a twinge of brownish spotting. It's there again this morning, which is really bugging me now. I have never had that after the BD, so I think it's odd to write it off as that. I know for sure if I put that down on my FF chart, it's going to bump me to a new cycle. I don't feel like I am on a new cycle, though. I think for now, I'm going with the rule-of-thumb you all taught me about it only counting if it were fresh and red.

Finally, I wanted to acknowledge belatedly that I am just devastated from the news this week of the loss of MissConception's twins at 20 weeks. Hers was one of the very first blogs I began reading last Spring, and I was over-the-moon happy that she had been able to conceive via IVF this summer. She had just found out that she was having a boy and a girl, Michael and Alena. Please continue to keep all of them in your thoughts and prayers. This has definitely been a week of putting things into perspective. I find myself struggling to keep my head above water in relation to how overwhelming and unfair things are in the ALI community. I know I'll be hugging and loving my family a bit harder than normal for the next several days and weeks...

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

I know the point of this is that it's supposed to be wordless, but I needed to elaborate with some details so no one is too concerned.

I have been in the hospital since Monday. I started having incredibly sharp pains in my stomach, and decided around 8 PM to head into the ER. Typically I do this sort of thing and get told within a few hours that it's nothing and I need to go home and "man up". Well, just as they were coming to tell me the results of my CT scan, I realized maybe something was actually wrong. Come to find out, I have a blockage in my lower intestine and will likely be in the hospital for several days. It may result in surgery. Seriously? I kinda thought after the tendinitis, horrible cold, and then strep throat all back-to-back that enough was enough.

So much for trying to give this cycle the attention it needed. I was doing so awesome with the temps and stuff. Oh well. Right now I am 100% focused on getting healthy and out of the hospital.

PS, I know this is terrible, but if I have to hear that little chime that they play for every newborn ONE MORE TIME......... blah. Lots of tears this week.

Thought Vomit Thursday

2011-10-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

I've never done any of these weekly themed posts, mainly because I can't really think of much to be wordless about.. and I don't really have a clue what I should flashback to. But this Thought Vomit Thursday thing sounds good (I found it on a few blogs I follow, but from what I gather, it started with Oak and Natalie), and it's at the perfect point in the week where everything flowing from my brain = vomit. It's brilliant.

Plus I love this picture:

Alrighty, so to get this started, all I have to do is spill out all the junk in my brain (vomit) and put it into some bullets for you. Enjoy!

I'm not really looking forward to my weekend because we are taking a 2 day hunter safety course that will last from 9-5 both days. In a really obscure town no less. The only redeeming part to this (aside from getting my hunter card) is that DH is trying to find us a hotel to stay in. Otherwise, it's also an hour away from where we live.
I don't feel really comfortable talking much about my job, but I need to just say that this THING happened and it really BLOWS and I am ready to punch someone in the face because now I am no longer able to work from home on Fridays.
Not too sure why I did this, but I went back and re-read some of my earlier posts... and it was as if spell check had not occurred to me.
I will probably OD on pickles and root beer this week. That's the only thing that sounds good to me.
I have to force myself not to post 323698269 times a day and describe every stupid CD1-11 detail I'm experiencing. Suffice it to say, things are calm now that AF left, and I am peeing on sticks. Well, not really I guess. I'm peeing in a dixie cup at work and then dipping the stick into it, and then I'm cleaning everything up and waiting the five minutes so I can take a picture of the stick with my phone and continue to analyze it for 6 more hours until I come home. And then I do it again.
I take my temp every morning at 5:15 when the alarm goes off. I stick the thing under my tongue, and it's everything I can do to not fall asleep before it's finally ready. Longest temp reader ever, but oh so accurate.
I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. I think I'm going to start growing it out so I don't have to keep going in so frequently. It's expensive and a pain in the butt to go every six weeks. My hair has always grown wicked fast, which I think is a bit of a blessing. I just wish it would make up its mind whether or not it wants to be curly or not.

Okay, well that's about it for tonight. One more day and then it's the weekend. Sort of!

It's kind of a big deal.

2011-10-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

I am feeling some pressure for this cycle, to the point where I am almost becoming obsessed with all these different ways to detect ovulation. And let's be honest, the chances of ovulating are so so small at this point, but... gosh I am just so anxious to KNOW if it's happening or not.

I am CD8 now, and still bleeding a decent amount. This has been the longest flow I've ever had. I've read that Provera can sometimes cause very painful and lengthy periods, so I don't feel like I need to be too alarmed by this. It hasn't ever had this affect on me before, but I know that doesn't mean a whole lot.

So here I am still bleeding, and I went ahead and started taking my temps this week just to get into practice. Many of the charts I have been reviewing don't seem to show temps until the tail end of the period cycle. Where I'm getting a little confused is that I'm not sure if I should also start peeing on these OPK strips? DH got me a bag of 50 on Amazon, so I have a ton of them to go through. I wasn't initially going to use them, but I am not super-duper confident in my ability to check for CM (I have never noticed it before). I don't want to rely just on temping because by the time my temp rises, I believe that means ovulation has already occurred. Great for preventing, not so great for TTC.

Am I making any sense? I want to know if I should start the OPK in the mornings now, even though I am still bleeding.

I just really would like to understand this more and maybe if someone has some advice... that would be awesome. My mind is telling me that this is the last real chance I have at trying to get pregnant before we start with the RE in January under the new insurance. My reasoning behind it being my "last chance" is that I don't have confidence in my body to produce a natural period before my doctor would need to prescribe Provera again in 60 days. 60 days from the start of my last period would be right around Thanksgiving, which would possibly give me one more cycle in December... but having a BFP by Christmas? I just very much doubt it. I know I said I wasn't going to put a bunch of pressure on myself to make this happen, but I do want to give everything I can to this cycle so that if we end up at the RE in January, I know we are making the right decision.

Feeling so much better!

2011-10-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

AF has officially downgraded from insanely heavy to never-been-in-therapy heavy. I am also feeling proud of weaning myself off the excess Advil. The throat situation is still uncomfortable, but I fully believe I will wake up and be fine to talk for 8 straight hours tomorrow at work. While I think it is incredibly unfair to be sick all weekend, I'm glad I didn't have to miss too much work for this crap.

On a completely unrelated note, I shot a gun today for the first time! DH bought me a shotgun a few weeks ago for my birthday, but with my dumb shoulders hurting so bad, I haven't gotten to use it. Since I was feeling a bit better this afternoon, we drove about an hour east of here to shoot some clay pigeons. I hit 6 out of 17! He was super proud of me, and I have to admit I was shocked that I even hit 1. It was very very fun. I even had him take a quick picture:

And then on a completely unrelated note from THAT, I've decided that every Sunday night I am going to write down a few things I want to commit to for the next week. Here is what I came up with this week:

1) Staying positive at work, and only speaking positively about my work to others. I'm trying to get out of this negative nancy outlook I seem to have adopted over the last several weeks.

2) Giving my full effort to this new diet DH wants to try. Dukan or something, I am not sure. I will post about that more this week.

3) Taking my temperature and continuing to chart every day.

4) Commenting on more blogs.

5) Letting DH touch my boobs.

hahahahahahaha

Love you ladies - have a good night!

TMI? check.

2011-10-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

This has been the AF visit from hell. Never have I ever had a cycle that was this heavy, or this painful. Tuesday night I was in tears for a few hours because it felt like someone was stabbing me from my insides. Good gravy! Same for Wednesday and Thursday.

Tuesday was CD1, and I would describe it as "light" for sure. I have always seemed to experience a pause in bleeding when I go to bed, and Tuesday night was no exception. I just never seem to bleed once I lay down for the night. It started back up within a few hours of being at work Wednesday, and I would go on to describe Wednesday as "medium". That's about how all of my periods go - spotting for a day or two, light one day, medium one day, light one day, spotting for a day or two. Very short in terms of actual red flow, and never heavy. A large box of regular tampons can last me 3-4 cycles most of the time.

Wednesday night, I started bleeding like someone shot me in my freakin vagina. I had to get up 3 times during the night to clean up. I have never ever had to do that before (which I'm sure you are all like "lucky bitch"), so it was slightly alarming.

Well, so here comes the super gross TMI... Thursday morning I had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to talk about the continuing tendinitis issue with my shoulders. That's something for an entire other post, so I'll leave it at that. As I left his office, though, I knew immediately that I had soaked through my tampon :o( I made it to the nearest gas station, where OF COURSE I run into my cousin I've not seen in two years. I quickly say hello and explain I really need to use the restroom, but I'd be right back out to chat.

I had completely soaked through everything to the point where I had blood all the way down my legs. I cleaned up as best I could and rambled my way through some excuse to leave without chatting much with my cousin. I made it home to shower and change clothes and then went into work. I stayed there until 6 or so, and on my way home realized that I was developing a horrible sore throat. I felt it start Tuesday, but I had been so busy hurting from my cramps, I didn't realize how bad it was getting.

Woke up Friday with the worst sore throat I have ever had in my life. I couldn't call into work because I had a huge presentation right at 8 AM. So I proceeded to cry in the shower, then again while I got dressed, and then again all the way to work. WHAT A MESS. I made it through my presentation, and as I stand up to leave.... I get that very familiar feeling of gross. Yep ladies, twice in twenty four hours I had bled right through my pants. I was switching out my tampon every 1.5-2 hours for almost 3 straight days. I'm on CD5 today and would still describe it as extremely heavy.

I have to backup again to Friday though. I left work around 10 AM and came home to clean up. I figured it would be good to go into the doctor's office and get my throat checked, just in case it was something more than allergies or a cold. Wouldn't you know it - I have strep throat. I have been drowning myself in Advil, hot green tea and gigantic antibiotics. I cannot seem to find any relief, though. The doctor told me he'd never seen some one's tonsils so swollen and full of puss. He even had a student doctor come in and check them out. Hooray for being unique! *grumble*

So anyway, it's Saturday now and the hubster is making me my third batch of homemade soup. I think butternut squash is on the menu next, plus his ultra amazing mashed potatoes. He has been the most amazing guy (he always is), and has totally taken care of me and all my crying/pain/sleeplessness/frustration. He is truly my rock, and I don't know how on earth I could ever survive without him.

Anyway - so that's what I've been up to for the last few days. Really hoping Aunt Flo is about to wrap-up her stay, and that Uncle Strep Throat knows he is never welcome back. September, I can pretty much say with confidence that you suck balls. October: don't you dare mess with me.

Aye aye aye....

2011-09-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the comments this week. I am going through so many emotions right now with this process, and I am very grateful to have you all here to help me.

I just talked with the nurse at my obgyn's office and she said CD1 is the first day you see red. So I am going back and adjusting this tracker to indicate I've not technically started yet. Kinda disappointing, but glad I have a better rule-of-thumb to go by now. I feel kinda silly for having misunderstood that key piece of information.

So, yesterday ended with no spotting or cramping at all. This morning I woke up and within 30 minutes, I just burst into tears. About absolutely nothing. Well, maybe I was slightly upset because I couldn't find my fleece jacket? That's the only bad thing that happened. So that was clue #1 that AF may have at least arrived in my neighborhood. Sign #2 is that my cramps have been awful and steady for the last three hours. Sign #3 is that I am definitely spotting as of about ten minutes ago, and I feel like my body temp is rising. These are things I always seem to experience right before AF hits, so I'm definitely crossing my fingers that this show can get on the road.

I'm sure it's my fragile emotional state right now, but I feel like EVERYONE told me they were pregnant yesterday. Three students called to give me "the good news!" and another student called to say that he and his wife were placed with a baby girl they've been trying to adopt for quite some time. I was over the moon for all of them, and found myself walking around and telling everyone the happy news. But holy crap, I really am starting to wonder if I'm going to get my turn?

I feel like a tantrum-throwing little kid right now... a non-deserving, whining brat that certainly hasn't been waiting as long, hasn't had to go through the multiple losses and failed attempts that so many of you have had to endure. Yes, it's been a solid year of me wanting to be pregnant and being confused that it's not "just happening"... but I've not had IUI's. Or medicated and monitored cycles. I've spent a ton of money on HPTs and OPKs, and we've done the BD strictly to have another box to check off on our tracker. We have the SA results sitting on our desk - not something my brother and SIL ever had to even consider. But when I go back and look at the last year, all I see now is that I had one freakin period. ONE. And my doctor is fairly certain during that cycle that I never ovulated. So an entire year without ovulating? What on earth was going through my brain to allow that much time to pass without DOING something?

I go back and read my posts and I know I was trying to "relax" over the summer, and that we were waiting on some other things to rule out (SA), but I feel like such an idiot for not doing something else to at least get my period to come more often.

Argh! I can't really dwell on this anymore. This month is going in a good direction. I'm going to have a period any day now, and then I'll just temp and chart and do everything I can to try and understand what the heck is going on. This is just really so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

UPDATED: I see red. So I guess today is officially CD1.

grrrrr

2011-09-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am back to no spotting what-so-ever. So to recap:

10 days on Pro.vera, ended Wednesday morning.

Saturday afternoon I felt cramps for a few hours, and noticed some brownish spotting every time I went to the restroom.

Sunday felt slightly crampy in the morning, less spotting to the point of all-clear by the evening.

Today, no cramps, no spotting. So now I'm wondering if Saturday really was CD1, or should I wait to start counting until I see actual blood? Sorry if TMI.

CD2 - I think?

2011-09-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well there you go - I've never been able to actually post with that sort of title, so yay for me!

The reason it's "I think?" is because I've just been spotting for two days. I'm a champion spotter, just have yet to have AF actually step foot into my house.

Also, I forgot how awful cramps were :o(

And a few weeks ago when I thought I was being bitchy? Yeah... whole different level this weekend.

Which sucks somewhat being that it's our first wedding anniversary today. We're going to try and celebrate it next weekend though because we went camping with my parents this weekend.

Could I be a crappier planner of dates? Camping with parents and AF on my first wedding anniversary?

I also remembered to take my temp this morning. So for the charting and all that, I've got way more data than I have had in the last 8 months. Someone should make me a cake.

Preparing for a visit from AF

2011-09-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

I had my yearly appointment ten days ago and was assured that DH's SA was pretty good overall. Morph was low, but the sheer quantity more than makes up for it. She said specifically that if we had come to her with these results and the desire to prevent pregnancy, she would immediately put me on the pill. That was good to hear, and has calmed us both down a lot.

She also assured me that my "plan" from a couple weeks ago is a solid one. I still feel like we're moving at a turtle's pace, but right now I'm at the mercy of my cycle. She did tell me that the Proges.terone cream was likely not going to do anything.** She scolded me for going so long without a full period, so I will make sure I don't let more than 60 days pass going forward. She prescribed a pill for me to take for 10 days to help entice a visit from AF, and also a new rx for prenatal vitamins. I was bummed that the one she gave me last September was on its last refill :( I'm pretty down right now about the whole thing, but I'm hoping some of that is hormone related.

Also, my boobs are freaking killing me! And the tendinitis in my shoulders = excruciating. I am a mess through and through.

I will take my last pill on Thursday I believe. I'm going camping this weekend for the first and only time this season, so I am crossing my fingers AF waits to torture me until after we get back. It should work out that way since every other time I've taken this stuff, I don't even start spotting until 7-10 days afterwards.

So I will be trying to do the whole charting thing once again as soon as I am CD1. I may post more frequently during that time to see if what I am documenting is the right stuff. God I would just be so thrilled to get a positive OPK... this whole year has just been a total bust, and I could use some good news.

Work has been crazy. DH is happy with his job. The family is all doing well for the most part. We'll all go to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving, and then I'm pretty sure we'll be back in AZ to visit with DH's family for Christmas. I like AZ in the wintertime. I just hope the trip involves a little less crying and maybe a chance at announcing some good news. SUPER SLIM I know, but a girl can hope, right?

That's about it for tonight.

** I did find it interesting that after she told me the cream wouldn't do anything, I proceeded to spot for an entire day after the appointment. Not sure if the pap can cause that (it hasn't ever before), or if my sudden lack of applying the cream that week had actually caused something to start happening. I had used the cream for about 10 days, and stopped only because I didn't want to have my period during my pap appointment. Not like it matters at this point, though... I'm almost done with these pills.

I probably shouldn't post, but I need to know what to do first...

2011-09-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

We got the SA results. The overall count was very high - 127 million - but morphology was at 3. Motility was 60 (normal is over 50 I think?), but forward progression was around 26% (needs to be over 50%). I'm not asking for anyone to analyze this for me, but if you know a place where I can find some information on what this all means, I'd appreciate it. So far I am seeing that the morphology and forward progression are in bad shape.

Trying to keep my head up!

Some good updates!

2011-08-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

Holy smokes I've got a bunch of stuff going on in this brain right now! The last two weeks of work and life in general have been going at record speed. I keep getting this feeling like I have forgotten something major, or that I have somehow transformed into a total crazy-lady. September, you must be anxious to get here because August can barely get all her stuff turned in on time!

As a quick update to some of your comments on my last post about the Prog.esterone cream: I did decide to purchase it, and so far I am one week into it. The research I've done advises women that are currently anovulatory to use the cream for 3 weeks, and then take a week off. During that week I will ideally start my period. I will keep you posted if that happens. My plan is to try and entice AF to show up so that I can begin BBT charting.

So I left off last time with the news about DH's SA getting scheduled. Everything went well, and they actually called DH (shocker!) to let him know the results were ready. Unfortunately, I don't have a fax machine set up, so their only option was to mail us the information. The interesting piece is that they have no idea what any of it (the SA) means. They don't have anyone on their staff that can interpret the results I guess? So hopefully when we get it I can figure it out. I feel like when I first started blogging there were a bunch of people that posted their results and provided ranges for what is supposed to be normal. So I'm hoping I can find some of those blogger gems.

So even though that part isn't totally resolved, I thought I'd share some other great news! We were going through DH's new insurance information and it looks like infertility tests and treatments (including all drugs, IUI, IVF and ZIFT/GIFT (not sure what that is just yet?)) are covered up to 40K!!!! I am just in shock by this. We both started to tear up and we read it over and over (the binder I kid-you-not was 6 inches thick with information). So we are feeling very encouraged right now on so many levels. I don't believe C.CRM (a local, amazing fert clinic here in CO) accepts this insurance, so I don't know if we can re-schedule our consult with them or not. But it gives me some more stuff to research, that's for sure.

The last major thing I wanted to share is that DH and I have decided to join W.eight W.atchers. I had awesome success with that program when I first moved to AZ a few years ago, and I feel like we could use the added accountability that comes with weighing in near another person once a week. We have tried this all summer long with each other, but we haven't been taking it seriously IMHO. So, I think if we can commit to this for the next 90 days at least, it will be a good way to develop better eating and exercise habits. I'm a dork, but I am pretty excited about this.

So for now, our TTC plan is:

1) Review SA results/possibly fax to my OBGYN

2) Make plan to improve SA results / Start back up with acupuncture

3) Commit to weight-loss plan for 90 days solid, no excuses

4) Add me to DH insurance in 2012 and set up tax-free HSA for OOP cost for IF treatment!!

If the end of 2011 is not our time, I am feeling SUPER confident for 2012.

And after giving heavy thought to setting a goal to become pregnant in time to still have a baby while I am 30 (I am technically 30 years and 2 days old today!!!!!), I have decided that I'm going to just have faith in the plan we have and continue to enjoy all aspects of our lives together. I cannot possibly convey how happy I am that I took the summer to re-group and calm down. I am a true believer in positive thinking, and I really feel like the events from last few weeks have been a major testament to keep me going in this direction.

Hoping everyone is doing well this week!

xoxo

Progesterone cream question

2011-08-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

It's some kind of all-natural cream derived from sweet potatoes or something?

I have seen this come up as something to try if you're not regularly getting a visit from AF. It's basically a cream that you can put on your stomach or thighs, and it has low levels of progesterone in it. I had a friend using this one summer back in 2004 because she didn't want to be on BCP anymore. We both were diagnosed with PCOS and thyroid issues, so she mentioned it to me as an alternative to the crazy mood swings we'd get on BCP. I, however, figured it was just some other hippy nonsense recommended by her mom (a true true hippy to her core, bless her heart).

Anyway, she used it for a couple of months and was ecstatic that AF was a regular visitor. Until the end of summer when she was late and found out she was pregnant.

We fell out of touch after that for a few years, but recently reconnected on FB. I sent her a message asking about that cream because I am convinced (read: blissfully naive) my only big issue right now is that I am not having a period. Ever. She gave me the name of it and I looked it up on Amazon. The details of the cream say nothing about its ability to aid in pregnancy, but there were hundreds of comments from women saying that's exactly what happened.

So, two questions ladies:

1) Have you any experience/advice/caution you want to share about this?

2) Do you read comments on reviews and take them with more than a grain of salt?

Hmmm. Part of me thinks "Why not, it's only 20 bucks?"

Back to my homework... for school, this time!!!

Things just seem to be working out

2011-08-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those weeks where you are holding onto the hope that no one is paying attention? Like you want to just make it through the moment you're in and hope no one can tell that you are not giving it your all? That's the week I just had for whatever reason. I fell down a little, and didn't really care to fully get back up. I felt like I just needed a break from this whole every-day-is-a-big-deal situation. DH got his referral, and then the job offer, and then my job got insane, and then my roommates (read: parents) had a meltdown, and then and then and then... I had to shut down and process.

I am finding that I freak out a lot less, which makes me very happy. I am sorting through the events in my head and I'm finding that I am much more capable of letting crap go. I guess what I'm getting to... is that I feel like I'm growing. And while I sometimes catch myself looking around and wondering if people can tell that I'm different, I'm also realizing that I don't care so much either way.

Thursday I woke up and decided I needed to take a day off. It was nice because DH was home and we got to spend some alone time together (rawr). I also felt like it was a good opportunity to have him call and make the SA appt with the hospital; he was feeling anxious about it, so I offered to call and stay on hold on his behalf. Unfortunately, they explained that even though they had the paperwork, it was still missing a particular diagnostic code that was required.

ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS?

They said we would have to start over and call the VA nurse to try and get the paperwork corrected and sent again.

ARE YOU EFF. ING. SER. I. OUS???

We had a small glimmer of hope, though. And the end of the conversation, the receptionist said something under her breath. It was right after I expressed how disappointing this has been, that we have waited all of these months for this one piece of paper. And I heard her say something about a Patient Advocate.

A what?

A Patient Advocate. Someone that could possibly help recognize what a CROCK OF POOP this whole thing has been, and could maybe help pull some strings. You better believe we left a message with this person not even 15 seconds later.

But then nothing else really happened. We went to the mall, played some games, worked on homework, watched Storage Wars (seriously, stop what you're doing and set your DVR), and went to bed. I woke up, went to work, and left this afternoon feeling like I had put in more than my fair share of effort for the week. Good grief.

On my way home, DH casually mentioned that he has an appointment Tuesday. And my mind immediately goes towards something new-job-related.. like background check? drug test? new-hire paperwork?

NOPE.

The Patient Advocate called back. They got it all fixed in a matter of two phone calls while DH was on hold for about 3 minutes. His SA appointment is officially set for Tuesday morning. It's finally here, and I am thrilled. It's been a long few months waiting for this to finally happen, but you know... it's all falling into place. I feel extremely blessed, and can honestly say that this summer has been a major learning experience and period of growth for us both.

So so so happy tonight. Crossing my fingers and toes seems to be working out, so please believe that won't be stopping any time soon!!!

YES!

2011-08-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hello strangers! I have been stalking all of you, but I know I haven't really given you much to stalk lately. Sorry about that. I've been off enjoying my summer - the last one of my twenties, sniffle - and putting in some good hours and karma at work. Things have been going fairly well, and as of last Friday things have been going AMAZING. DH got his referral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then on Monday, DH got an amazing job offer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THINGS ARE SO GOOD right now!

So, I think I'm ready to start regularly blogging again. I was feeling a little overwhelmed back in June because my posts just seemed to all say the same thing "still no AF, still no referral, blah blah". I also have had some things on my mind that I've been struggling with, and wasn't sure if I should blog about it or not. Suffice it to say, I have been somewhat confused with a few of the blogs I have been following. I understand that the overall point to an IF blog is to document steps, feelings, symptoms, frustrations... but I also really like reading about your success stories and detailed journey through the ups and downs of pregnancy. I find it really unfortunate that so many women feel like they can't talk about their struggles after becoming pregnant, as they are reticent to potentially hurt other IFers feelings. I also feel like I need to share that while I myself have felt twinges of jealousy when someone I know gets their BFP, I just feel like it's really uncomfortable to read blogs that are outright negative about the news. I am all about expressing your feelings (it's your blog), but I personally don't feel like there is ever an excuse to call another woman a bitch. Even if you're joking, it makes me sick to my stomach with sadness.

I had to say it. I'm sorry if I've pissed someone off. In the end, we likely would not see eye-to-eye anyway, so there you go!

On to more positive notes; DH had been working a small warehouse job for a couple of weeks when he got an email regarding an accounting position. Out of the blue "are you still looking?" kind of an email. Talk about a total blessing! He met with them for about 15 minutes last week, and got an amazing job offer Monday morning. YES YES YES. Things are totally falling into place just as we'd been hoping and praying for. And when we got the referral last Friday for his SA, I wanted to fall down and cry I was so grateful. The referral is good for a year, and I will need to ask for clarification, but I think that means we can go get these labs done as much as we want for the next year. SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY.

I am also about 12 days out until my 30th birthday. EEK. Some days I catch myself being very emotional, and other days I think "whatever, it's just another birthday". So far, the plan is to have some friends and family over on that Saturday (the day before my bday) to play games and grill some food. I'm putting together a birthday version of minute-to-win-it style games. I did that for Christmas last year and we had a blast. Sunday we are going to have a fancy dinner served to us from my wishes-he-was-a-chef DH, and then my parents and the two of us are going to go paint at Canvas and Cocktails! I Love Love Love this place because they teach you how to paint something really beautiful and you get to drink alcohol at the same time! So yeah, I can't wait for that.

On the TTC front, I think we are tentatively scheduling the SA for next week sometime. DH gave notice today and is pretty sure his last day will be next Wednesday. We'll call to schedule it once we know for sure. I'm not sure how long it will take for the VA doctor to get back to us on the test results, but I would imagine we would know by the 2nd week of September or so. That would give them a month - long for most doctors, but fairly reasonable for the VA. Once we know the results, we can make another plan, hopefully one that includes me going to the Super Acupuncture guy. I have not had a visit from AF since like February at this point, so... yeah. Need to get this party started.

Thanks again for every one's support. I'm sorry if my rant earlier was offensive to anyone. I'm crossing my fingers and toes for all of you in your 2ww. Hell, I'm crossing everything for everyone, whatever stage you're in :o)

Here are my most recent cards - I also just bought a ton of stamps, so I think I should have enough to throw some items up onto Etsy in the coming weeks. Exciting!

Made it to Friday!

2011-07-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not even kidding, July has been a rollar coaster of crazy for me. I feel terrible that I've not been commenting much. I've tried to keep up with your posts, but I'll admit my feed is sitting with 500+ unread posts. Do you all get behind sometimes? Do you go back and try to read everything that's been posted, or do you just spot check and start over? I think I'm going to have to go with the latter. Honestly I have been thinking of going back through all of the blogs I follow so I can categorize them a bit for organizational purposes. It's kinda like being in school sometimes :o)

Speaking of which, I've started back up into my graduate program this month. I took almost a year off because 1) I needed a break and 2) I wanted to make sure I was in the right program. I spoke with some coworkers, friends and a mentor, and I determined that I just needed a better long-term plan. I was having a hard time translating the degree into how it will actually help me down the road. I've decided to pursue an HR specialization along with my Leadership major and am hoping that leads to some good opportunities. I am definitely a people person and I love training and teaching adults. I am hoping to also be a teacher in the online higher education realm, so I'm definitely on a path now with some new goals. That feels really good.

On the IF front, I'm still in my summer haze of doing nothing. Mentally I feel fantastic and I'm really enjoying the lower stress that comes with not actively TTC. Sadly, we aren't much closer to getting DH's SA. I have been reticent to talk much about it because every time I get my hopes up that the VA has gotten their act together, another week passes with no movement. We are still waiting on the paperwork to be transmitted to the local hospital so that they can perform the tests and charge it to the VA. Supposedly they mailed (seriously?) the paperwork on the 5th of July, but the hospital never got it. My threat to march down there on my own and ask for the paperwork may come to fruition next week if it still hasn't made it.

I also have not been going to acupuncture. I couldn't justify the cost of it right now with so many other things being a priority this summer. We have been seriously contemplating moving to another state, and I really want to concentrate on getting our ducks in a row financially should we decide to do it. Ever since I was a teenager, I have always had this nagging desire to move around and experience as many places as I can. A week or two ago when DH and I were talking about different places we'd like to live, one state came up that got us both super super excited. Realistically I don't know how it can happen, or if it's even possible any time soon. But if we can work towards it happening in a year or so, it would be such an amazing experience. Gets me super giddy just thinking about it :o) :o) :o)

Alright, well I hope things are going well for all of you. If you're here from ICLW, please introduce yourself and I'll be sure to stop by and say hello back. I have to make up for my lack of commenting yesterday, so don't be surprised if you see my name pop up like crazy tonight. Take care and Happy Friday!!

Oh yeah, here are the cards I made at my class through Archiver's:

Bigger break than I thought!

2011-07-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've taken a bit of a break from posting, unintentionally at first. The holiday weekend was a big break for me from work, and I went back last week with a bunch of good intentions and new personal goals. I have been struggling with my passion in a lot of areas lately, so I needed to spend some time making a mental game plan for a LOT of stuff. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better and am excited for the next several months.

With that, I should mention that TTC is taking a middle burner right now. It's just not on the forefront of my mind at this time. I have grown tired of things being so intense and frustrating every day. IF consumes everything if you let it. I want to enjoy the summer time with DH, and use my brain cells for some more relaxing activities.

I'll be very honest, I think I got a little wrapped up in every one's TTC journey, and felt like I needed to be just as diligent with our journey. And the reality is, the timing is just off for us. I have officially taken my step back and can acknowledge now that God is giving me all kinds of signs to hang on a little bit. DH is just about done with school, and once that happens we can concentrate on finding him a good job in any city we want. Waiting will give us the opportunity give ourselves fully to each new step we plan to take in the next 2-6 months.

I will still be here to support my new blog friends with everything you all are going through. I have been touched by all of you, and couldn't imagine my day without checking in on your lives. I will still be posting a lot (I'm too chatty to take this long of a break again), and I'll continue to share my experiences with acupuncture and the ongoing VA saga with DH. I'll post an update tomorrow about that in fact. It just will be very unlikely that we do much more than his SA and charting for the remainder of summer/early fall.

On an unrelated note, I made some new cards this weekend:

My MIL and I are going to put together a bunch of thank-you cards at the end of the month. It's always good to have thank-you cards handy IMHO. Who knows, maybe I will put something up on ETSY? I am not sure how that works, but it seems like everyone has one these days! :o)

Love you all..

BOOM! I am Queen for a Day!

2011-06-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

OMGosh are you so jealous?? ;)

The always lovely Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone has bestowed upon me the Overlord Award. This very prestigious award allows me to create three new rules that all of you must follow. Boot up your printer or go grab a pen ladies - I'll wait...............

OKAY then. The first one is IF related because it's just on my mind right now. The other two are also on my mind tonight, but don't have anything to do with IF.

Rule 1) You are allowed to change your health insurance coverage to any provider you want, and from this point forward you will only pay one $15.00 copay per doctor, per year. It drives me insane that I have the job of my dreams but am stuck with the worst insurance I've ever had in my life. I feel like it should be illegal to not have the opportunity to shop around for better insurance plans, especially if I am willing to pay a ~~little~~ lot more for it. Right now I pay nothing out of my check every month, which is great! But, I would give that up in a heartbeat if I could have at least a portion of my infertility treatments covered.

Rule 2) If you serve me raw chicken for dinner (*ahem* Carrabba's *ahem*), you better comp my meal.

Rule 3) Flying cars. Come on, seriously, weren't those supposed to be available by now? Traffic makes me want to cry almost daily; I can't possibly be the only person that wants a solution to that?!

Alright then. I don't feel like I've asked for too much. It really doesn't matter, though, because I am the OVERLORD!

And now, so are you:

Ashley at savor the moment.
Ericka at This Hampton Life of Mine
Jess at Life in the White House
Blossom at Dragon & Blossom's Adventures
Lissie at Lissie's Luck
JM at Meier Madness!

Enjoy your power my friends :)

Playing catch up

2011-06-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

I am really behind with my reading and commenting this week. I've come down with some sort of chest cold / sore throat nonsense. I feel rotten.

We're still waiting to hear back about the SA referral. DH calls every day and waits 45+ minutes to speak with a nurse, only to be told that it looks like the doctor hasn't yet responded to the request. I'll let this go on until Friday (when I'm off work) and we'll go talk with them face-to-face.

I'm still planning to go to my super-acupuncture appt on Friday. Maybe that will help me get into gear mentally. I've been feeling off for a few too many days this month.

Charting is a little frustrating when every day just seems to be the same. My temps have stayed in the 96.3 to 96.6 range for the last 14 days. I am on CD17 right now and so far I can't tell any difference in my CM. Some days I feel like there is some milky fluid, but nothing is ever sticky or resembling anything from my books.

I haven't had milk in about 10 days. I've been taking my 1000mg Metformin every day now and have noticed that my stomach issues are slowly decreasing. I've also been taking the B complex vitamin on top of my pre-natal vitamins (just low dose ones from the grocery). I haven't been weighing myself as frequently because I want to see if tracking it once a month would be better on my anxiety. I can tell you that I feel a lot thinner, and that we have not gone out to dinner or had fast food at all in the last few weeks. Hoping that (on paper) June will have some highlights.

I promise to have some better writing in the very near future. I am a big wus when it comes to a sore throat, though. We don't have killer 4th of July plans, but I'm still looking forward to having people over. I'm very excited for July to get here because of our vacation. Some of the details are still up in the air, but all that matters is that I know warm weather, swimming, and relaxing will be on the agenda.

I hope everyone is having a great week!

Keeping a positive outlook

2011-06-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

My thoughts over the last couple of days have been all over the place. I found myself wondering what life would be like without children. I have been nervous to admit that I'm having those thoughts to anyone, mostly because I refuse to have the conversation out loud. But I do find myself thinking about it here and there. I try to block out all of my current dreams and fantasies and think of an alternate future where DH and I... travel? own a restaurant and/or bakery? find expensive hobbies?

I get stuck, though. I have a hard time wondering how I would find any of that fulfilling. Maybe it would be okay, but I am terrified that I will just end up sad and sarcastically mean forever. That's my biggest fear: I don't want to be sad and unable to move forward building a happy life. I keep re-reading that and wonder if it makes me sound like a jerk.

Even as I have those thoughts, though, I circle back and realize that we have so many more chances and opportunities to become parents. My eyes are opening to these possibilities because of the countless blogs I've been reading over the last several months. And while I'll continue to feel slightly freaked out by the financial and emotional cost that IF potentially brings, I am feeling much more positive to know we have options.

As far as the SA, we've not made a decision quite yet. I am still holding onto hope that we will get a hold of his VA doctor Monday and figure out if he's sent off the referral. For now, I'm going to give it a couple more days before I decide to possibly cancel my acupuncture appointment. Several of you brought it up that staying with that therapy would be better than stopping and starting again in a month or two. Plus, I do find it very relaxing and nice to have some "me time".

It's been a slow couple of days on the blog front. I think some people are off enjoying their family and friends instead of posting. I have been trying to find a balance with staying caught up on blogs and spending time with my family. While I enjoy reading and commenting so much, I am getting a sinking feeling that DH is a little jealous of my laptop. So for now I'm going to sign off and go watch a movie with him. I hope everyone is having a relaxing weekend. I have so many of you in my thoughts right now during your 2WW - crossing fingers and toes for all of you.

Thank you so much..

2011-06-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am blown away by how amazing all of you are. I seriously had the crappiest 24 hours and then the best 24 hours back-to-back because of the amazing comments you shared with me. There are times when I feel as if I haven't "earned" my frustration with TTC, and I hesitate posting about my emotions in fear that some of you may think I'm being ridiculous. And while I don't plan on making this a super-depressing, woe-is-me atmosphere, it's nice to know I can share some of my sad days with you. Seriously, thank you, thank you, Thank You all so, so much.

I wanted to post a quick update/request for your thoughts:

DH was supposed to (sniffle) get his SA done tomorrow, and it looks like it's going to get postponed. Here's what happened:

-Monday we get the call that his VA doctor has finally approved the SA visit.

-Tuesday DH forgets to call to set appt, I have my meltdown.

-Wednesday DH calls to set up the appt for Friday at 9:45. He also is referred to speak with the nurse. The nurse tells him that he'll need to double check with the lab, but she believes the procedure calls for DH to come pick up a "tub" for his swimmers, and that he'll need to BRING IT BACK to their clinic on ice. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, HOW IS THAT CORRECT??

-Thursday (at my request) DH calls the VA back to speak with another nurse to confirm what exactly needs to happen. We find out that all of the other people had no idea what they were talking about. The correct procedure is that the VA doctor has to send a written authorization to a local hospital in Denver clearing DH to get the SA at their facility, all so his VA insurance can be billed correctly. The nurse said to expect a call in 3-4 weeks.

*sigh*

At this point, I am wondering if this is all worth waiting for the VA to get their act together. Is it reasonable and quick to get a "walk-in" SA somewhere? I would imagine my OB/GYN would write him a referral if I asked her. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't feel comfortable shelling out $90/visit to Super Acupuncture guy next Friday without knowing the SA results. Or should I go and just hope that DH has healthy swimmers? I've not been to acupuncture now in 2 weeks and I kinda miss it!

I'll be spending the night on the Googler once again I suppose.

Destiny

2011-06-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

The last 24 hours have been completely overwhelming. I feel like a crazy person again this week, as if I’m unable to have rational or calm reactions to anything. Last night I cried harder than I’ve cried in years. I feel like I’m completely alone and that no one (except my new blog friends) understands what I’m going through. I feel like I haven’t been able to explain to my family and friends just how important it is for me to transition into this next stage in life. I spent so many years *knowing* that I would struggle TTC, and then a few more years wondering if I’d ever meet that special person to struggle with me. I spent a long time in a very dark place emotionally, scared to death that I would be alone and childless for the rest of my life. I was still in that place when I met DH; he claims he was also in one of his own, but for completely different reasons. We bonded as friends and created a support system for each other; I finally was able to cry around another person, and he finally was able to talk about his deepest secrets without scaring someone away. We tell everyone that we saved each other’s lives.

Maybe that’s all we’re really destined for? Maybe we should just be grateful for everything we’ve overcome. The years of horrible relationships with our parents seem to be in a very distant, forgettable past. The years of feeling like we were never good enough? We definitely know better now. The years of wondering who could possibly love someone like me? Who could look past the gnarly facial hair and sarcastic reaction to life? And don’t even get me started on trust. We both have been burned by a few ex’s and a few family members, so to say we were broken is putting it lightly. But we made it through all of that Together. For so long that’s all I would pray for – to just feel good about myself and find a partner that would love me as much as I loved them.

So to say I’m not satisfied with my life is completely untrue. I love DH, and I love my life. I love my dogs, and a few of my possessions (I am not ashamed to say I love my car), and mostly I love that I wake up every day and can breathe. I don’t have this massive depression looming over me, and for the first time in about a year, I can also say I am no longer scared to answer the doorbell or pick up the phone call of an unknown number. I have made massive strides in creating a good life for us, especially considering the overwhelming debt and bad karma I started with. In 3 years, I can honestly say that I am proud of who I’ve become, and that I’m excited for our future.

I still want to be a mom, though. And I know for some people it may seem as if we’re not in the best place to be TTC. We are living with my parents. We have only one income. We don’t have much savings other than my healthy 401K. We still have student loans and a couple of credit cards. I am overweight. This list can probably go on for awhile. But I am FREAKING.OUT.PEOPLE. I want this so badly. In my mind, I see that we have an amazing family support system, and that our living situation is extremely temporary. DH graduates in 3 months and I am fully confident he’ll find a good job. And even if it isn’t high-paying, at least it would be something that can go straight into paying off debt and building up our savings. And yes the weight is on my mind, but I am still working to lose it as healthily as possible. I feel like those things are nothing compared to my fear of getting older and having a more limited chance of having biological children. It feels like conceiving is totally within reach right now, but with every passing month it gets farther and farther away.

I hate it that I feel like “oh as soon as I achieve XYZ, then my life will be complete”. Because I don’t feel like I’m asking for a million dollars, or a supermodel body, or some supernatural power to win at Scrabble for the rest of my life. I just would like to be a mother. I would really, really like that. Please, and thank you.

June ICLW

2011-06-20T20:45:00.001-07:00

Hello there! This is my first ever ICLW, so I am very excited to meet all of you and hopefully make some new buddies. I started this blog about my IF journey 6 weeks ago to help me keep track of these crazy TTC details. I have been blogging since I was a teenager, though, but clearly the content of this blog has a lot less to do with boys and happy hour than it does baby making and chatting about my period!

I recently created the About Me section above, and today I finally put together a short timeline of things we've done in the last 8 months.

I currently work full time, and DH is a full time student. We are living with my parents to save money for the summer/maybe fall/I want to cry. I keep thinking every few months that the Next set of months have to be better, but lately it doesn't feel that way. I try to stay as positive as possible, though, and feel extremely blessed to have the best husband and family a girl could ever want.

With that, you should know that we are about to go through our first SA with DH's military benefits. It's taken about 5 phone calls (not too bad in the VA world), but we finally got our call back from his doctor today for an appointment this week. I am also in the process of changing acupuncturists; while the last 6 weeks with acu-doc #1 have been relaxing, I am much more hopeful of acu-doc #2's amazing track record with other IF patients. Definitely praying that July is a great month for us! Regardless of what happens, we have a super-fun vacation planned at the end of the month to celebrate DH's graduation and HOPEFULLY some good ovulation-slash-fertilization action.

I'd love to hear your stories and advice if you have any! Even if you don't, please let me know where you are in this journey because I'd love to follow you along.

Happy ICLW!

Quickly..

2011-06-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

My original plan for this weekend was to relax, make some cards (I've become obsessed with card-making recently), go for a long bike ride with DH, and try to find a local library. We were also planning a large Thanksgiving-style dinner for my dad for Father's Day, so I knew Sunday would involve a lot of cooking.

Well Saturday turned into cleaning and grocery shopping all day. No bike, no crafts, no relaxing. Que kicking-my-feet-on-the-ground tantrum. I don't mean to be a brat, but I do work about 50 hours a week and commute 2 hours a day, so when my weekend gets here I like to have at least SOME hours dedicated to stuff I want to do. Especially now, because I have zero disillusions about what it will be like when we finally get pregnant and have a baby. Not that I am pre-complaining about that lack of time, but I have observed that once babies arrive, all time is (rightfully) devoted to them.

So anyway, now it's Father's Day and we've been busy this morning putting together the food for tonight. I may have miss-calculated the amount of time it was going to take, because there will likely be a few hours in the middle that DH and I can sneak away for a bike ride TO the library. 2 birds, 1 stone.

All in all it's been a very enjoyable weekend. I don't totally love cleaning, but my parents were shocked and extremely grateful that we cleaned their entire house yesterday. AND bought 7 days worth of groceries. AND made meal plans for all those days. Plus, they know having DH around is like having a 5-star chef at their disposal ;) Speaking of which, I better get back to the kitchen.

Happy Father's Day!

Taking my own advice

2011-06-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I had a blog that I kept during my early 20s. I don't regret posting any of it (even though it was somewhat scandalous at times), but it occurred to me that I might not want a potential husband to read through my dirty laundry. I took it down in 2006 because I got into a relationship with someone that was very anti-Internet. Unfortunately it took me 2 years to realize he was also anti-Me.

I blogged about everything I was going through: returning to college, turning 21, dating a bunch of idiots, rebuilding a relationship with my parents, and on and on. I was thinking about the old blog a few weeks ago and started reading through it for fun. Talk about dramatic! And so so boy-crazy :/

Tonight I came across a post that I thought I'd share with you all because it was kinda funny, and it made me want to write out some fresh advice for my then 23 year-old self. This post was written 5/2/2005:

Advice I wish I could go back and give myself at age 15:

1. You are going to get kissed before you die, so you can stop being so dramatic.
2. Don't stop laughing: the guys that are worth it totally dig your laugh.
3. For the most part, the crush you have on that guy is way better than the relationship ends up being.
4. Don't let that keep you from having relationships, though, because your relationships are what mold you into the person you need to become.
5. Sometimes you meet people that you think are looking for the exact same things you happen to be, and it's heartbreaking when you realize they weren't. But that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there looking for those things. Keep your head up and DON'T SETTLE.
6. If you decide to get intimate with someone, go for it. Have fun, and be safe always. Just understand that the world will not end if it doesn't work out. Make sure to have a really good friend around so you can cry on their shoulder.
7. There are guys that exist still that want to wait for marriage. And they are totally just as hot.
8. Have a life of your own before you try to add someone to it. Don't let someone become your life, and don't let yourself become someone else's. Compliment each other, don't be the entire substance.
9. Have confidence in yourself, because it's the sexiest thing, Ever.
10. Listen to your gut. If you know you shouldn't be doing something, don't do it. "Regretting it in the morning" almost always lasts more than that one morning.

---

And here is some advice I would give myself at age 23 (from my crazy old age of 29 - ha ha ha):

1. If you haven't had a regular period for two years and the doctor's solution is to put you on the Pill, ASK MORE FREAKING QUESTIONS.
2. Pay your bills on time, and don't finance weekly happy hours with your high interest credit cards!
3. You do not NEED a new car with a $400 car payment. No job is guaranteed to last, no matter how *amazing* you think you are.
4. How's that mean lady AF treating you? Oh you haven't seen her in awhile? YOU SHOULD GET ON THAT.
5. That BS people keep telling you about "the right guy" coming along when you're not looking... yeah, it's total BS. Keep your eyes open girlfriend.
6. Learn how to make something other than toast and microwavable meals.
7. Your dreams of having 3-5 children someday will be hard to materialize if you are not menstruating. I'm just saying.
8. You have said for years that you'd like to write a book about your crazy adventures - it's not gonna write itself my love. Start by making notes of that crap so you don't forget it all by the time you're 30!
9. If someone tells you on your first date that they spent 7 years in prison for a gang-related crime during high school, GET UP AND LEAVE. It will save you 2 years of heartache and destroyed relationships with countless friends.
10. Last time I'm gonna bring it up: Go get your m'fn doctor to run some tests and figure out why your periods are so absent. You may not always have that amazing insurance that covers everything. Which is another good reason you should SERIOUSLY reconsider quitting your job next year.

Excited!

2011-06-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hey-oh, I got my new blog design delivered this afternoon and I TOTALLY LOVE IT. :D :D :D :D Do you?

I also made my first appointment with Dr. Super-Acupuncture (with an amazing track record according to my co-worker AND the receptionist in his office). It will be July 1st in the afternoon and I am giddy :)

ALSO very happy because it sounds like DH will get his first SA done in the next week or so. And all at no cost, thank-you-very-much VA benefits.

So far this week my temps have been 95.9, 95.9, and then 96.8. I will be more careful to make sure I am taking it at 4:30 AM consistently because today I read blogs from 4:30 to 5:30 and forgot to take it right away. The book I read says even laying there awake can somehow affect it. Or is it effect? Whatever.

While I'm glad tomorrow is Thursday, I have to admit I have been enjoying my week so far. I feel very encouraged about everything and I'm thrilled that DH and I have been more emotionally invested in TTC. I know it was difficult for me when SIL got pregnant so fast, and it seemed like all winter and spring I was just in this major funk. But after she had the baby, DH has reached this point where he really wants to start a family. I feel like we are both *there* now, and it's making a huge difference in our relationship.

I'm off to go frost 2 baby shower cakes - goodness!

Feeling good

2011-06-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

This isn't going to be the longest post in the world, but I thought I'd update on a couple of things:

Baby M is doing great. She is down a few ounces, but overall is very healthy albeit ultra tiny! SIL and my brother are also doing well. My brother has been in and out of the ER with kidney stones this entire time, so I know he's a bit stressed out. And very drugged up. I'm hoping tomorrow they make a decision whether or not he'll need surgery, so if you wouldn't mind putting him in your prayers for us.

The spotting (or I should say spot) did not continue. I feel a little crampy still, but overall my irritability and back pain are gone as quick as they arrived. Still feeling a bit frisky :p My temp this morning was 95.9, though, which is a massive dip from my previous temps in the 97's. We'll see what happens tomorrow and if this low one is just a fluke. I do remember waking up and having a drink of water about 45 minutes before I took it.

My cycles are so bizarre; I had a full 6-7 day period in January after my Provera rx, and then light spotting 32 days later for 1-2 days, very light for 1 day the next month, and then the remaining months after that it's been so light it's almost hard for me to 100% confirm it's happening. I just wonder if my mind is making it up to make me feel better? I really have faith in my ability to know my body and symptoms though, and I truly believe I am seeing this ultra faint spotting every 30-32 days.

I am just not sure where to go from here. Like if I should take the summer and keep up with the acupuncture and Metformin? I am changing to a much more thorough acupuncturist July 1st - my friend got pregnant within 5 weeks of seeing him, as well as 6 of her friends. That seems a little outrageous to me, but she swears it to be true. I guess for the time being I'll see what he has to say and keep on the Metformin just in case that's helping.

I'll tell you what the Metformin is NOT helping though: my weight loss. I went to the doctor today (I found out I have tendinitis in my shoulder area) and during the weigh-in they had me up 3 lbs. It's not like I've had any exercise this week or super healthy food, so I can't be too upset. But after the doctor gave me the rx, she said my weight should start coming off much faster. Maybe my pills are duds.

Okay, not such a small post after-all! I hope everyone had a great Monday. Lots of ladies out there about to go through an intense 2ww - my fingers and toes are crossed for you all!

And then...my shoe fell off

2011-06-12T08:05:00.001-07:00

SIL had her baby last night. C Section.4 lbs 13 oz, so tiny and beautiful. My brother has been in ER with kidney stones for 48 hours. They discharged him so he could be there for procedure. Just got call that he's back in ER, so I'm heading back to the hospital. Took shower, noticed some dark brown spotting/smear on tp. It's 30 days since last spotting... don't want to get hopes up too high, but holy crap that would be so great.

More later. Blogging from phone sucks.

An early TGIF

2011-06-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

First I want to thank everyone for the kind comments and encouragement this week. You all rock, and I feel so lucky to have you all checking up on me.

I have been feeling so rotten for the last several days. I got pretty irritated after acupuncture on Tuesday because I usually feel so calm and relaxed after I leave, but I was still very cranky and down-in-the-dumps. I almost wonder if AF is going to show up soon because I get like this the week before usually. I have had much higher temps this week than I ever did earlier in the year (I normally am low b/c of my thyroid); today was 97.9, which is the 2nd highest I've ever recorded.

Today I stayed home with a major sore throat. I guess that could be the reason I have the higher temp? I am feeling a bit better now, except I feel some minor aches all over my body. I really hope I wake up tomorrow and feel well enough to go to work. I hate missing work more than anything because I genuinely like my job. I'm not a fan of my 1 hour commute, but the time I spend there is generally very good.

Just in case you're wondering, I did make some minor adjustments to my profile and sign-off name. I started thinking that DH may not be all that keen on his name being listed, and then I figured I might as well change mine slightly as well. I used to blog under the user name "mag" for about 6 years (an entire lifetime ago), and so by default I just went with that.

Sometime in the next month or so I'm also planning on a new design for the blog. Back in the day when I was more savvy with HTML, I used to write all of the code for my blogs. But these days there are all kinds of fancy things going on, and I don't have the time to go back and learn how to work that magic. So I am working with someone that is going to help me out and I'm really excited for that to be coming in the near future :)

Not much else to report. SIL should be getting induced at some point in the next day or so according to my brother. I am officially going to be Aunt M soon... which I had not even thought about until my co-worker said it out loud Monday. What a week!

Being hard on myself

2011-06-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have been somewhat hard on myself today for whatever reason. I hate having this constant feeling of defeat with TTC. I am feeling really guilty for not researching enough; not researching BCP when I was younger and just blindly taking it because That's what you do when you have PCOS... not researching the proper steps of TTC and the particular IF treatment hurdles you're *supposed* to jump in a particular order... not researching acupuncture more before shelling out over $250.00 on it in the last 6 weeks.

I've also been feeling really freaked out about turning 30 and having no idea if I will have any hope of ovulating even once before then. I always knew I would start my family later in life, but I just assumed that meant 30. Now there's the chance that 30 will come and go without a pregnancy and that super bums me out.

I feel so lost with all of this IF stuff, and I am finding myself getting angry that there's not a quick fix. This is not a new feeling for me; I'd love a quick fix for my weight, my facial hair, my zero-tolerance-for-stupid-people attitude, and probably a billion other things that irritate the crap out of me. But there are no quick fixes, and I know deep down this is probably going to teach me something at some point.

But I don't want to learn anything else! I just want to kick my feet into the ground and throw a giant tantrum until someone caves and gives me what I want. If you told me that all I had to do was join a church and pray every hour of every day, I'd do it. If you told me I had to eat pickles and cream cheese with chocolate chips every morning for breakfast, I'd do it. I'd shave my head, I'd sell my car, I'd get 3 jobs.

And then I just get really down on myself Again because I start to think... none of those things could possibly get me to a BFP. Now, if I were to lose 100 LBS... that would definitely help. But do you see me losing 100 LBS? Nope. I feel like I've been trying to lose weight since the day I was freaking born. I don't know what my major obstacle is, I just know that it is going to take 4500 bajillion years to lose all of this weight. And then I can pretty much guarantee all of my eggs will be gone :/

Sorry for the downer post. Just feeling overwhelmed today.

Vacation is over

2011-06-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

I don't think I mentioned it, but I took the remainder of this week off to use up some vacation time. Everything said and done, I really only took 2 days off. I decided to go in on Tuesday because I wasn't entirely sure I had everything in a place to be left alone for an entire week. And then Friday I volunteered to pass out chap stick and sunblock at one of our sponsored golf tournaments. I got some awesome leads out of it, so I wasn't as irritated about working during my vacation as I anticipated.

During the two days off in the middle, DH and I went up to the casino and stayed the night. We had such a great time together - definitely was nice to reconnect a bit. We had a great dinner and a couple bottles of wine. We got back to our hotel room and mustered up enough energy to put on our bathing suits and go swimming. Our room was on the 28th floor and the pool was on the 30th I believe. Unfortunately we got there and swam for about 20 minutes before the staff told us they were closing. "Oh, but we re-open at 7 AM!"

Eff.

We passed out and woke up the next morning slightly hungover. We went down and had breakfast and gambled a little, but we got bored with that and decided to come back down the mountain. We got home and I was stoked because my package from Amazon was there waiting for me! I ordered "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler, a new thermometer for charting, and some cheap-o OPKs.

I am pretty much done reading the book. I was nervous it was going to take forever - it's freaking huge - but some of the parts really didn't apply to me. I will likely go back and read it all over again just to make sure I got it all, but I definitely feel like I understand the whole charting thing much better. I'm also thinking about researching a book on TCM because I was disappointed that she only had 1 page dedicated to it. On that 1 page, though, she mentioned things that I know I am not receiving with my current acupuncturist, and I am wondering if I need to find someone new.

That's all that really has gone on this week. SIL came over and she was very cheerful and chatty. She's been a bit of a downer during her entire pregnancy and we've not talked much. I wonder if she senses my slight jealousy, or if my brother has blown it out of proportion to her. Whatever it is, I hope things get back on track and we can connect again once the baby is here. She became such a great friend to me during my wedding last September, but it's like I haven't known what to say ever since.

I'm all set to start charting tomorrow. Hoping it's a better experience now that I have a better understanding of it. YAY CERVICAL FLUID!

Finding peace

2011-05-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

Forgive me blogger, it has been several days since my last blog session. ;)

So we are about 90% moved into my parents house. We have a fish tank and some odds and ends still at the apartment, but the major stuff is all here. DH and I will go back down over the next week and get everything cleaned up and inspected. I doubt we get our deposit back (only $100 was refundable) due to the purple Bic pen that Molly decided to chew on our carpet a few months ago. We have tried everything on that stupid stain with no luck - but if you have any ideas, please comment!

I was off Friday and spent it making SIL's baby shower cake. It turned out pretty cute:

The bottom portion was chocolate/almond and the top was strawberry. All covered, layered and decorated with almond American butter cream. It turned out moist and delicious and everyone was pleased. I set it up on a circle table with decorations around the sides and lit-up butterfly string lights around the base.

The shower was more low-key than I anticipated. The only part that was frustrating was the night Before the shower: SIL's grandmother came flying into the kitchen to taste the butter cream and asked me two or three times when it was going to be my turn (to get pregnant)? Really? DH and I came up with some great comebacks earlier in the week, but I wasn't ready to answer her right then. I thought it would all happen during the actual shower, but it never did. The shower lasted for a really long time and I think it went well. They basically got everything they asked for, and a few gift cards for the stuff they didn't receive.

We spent Sunday mostly recovering and being lazy. It took all of us until 7 PM to figure out what we wanted for dinner (burgers on the grill won), so DH and my mom went to the grocery. About ten minutes after they left we got a call from my brother that SIL's water may have broken. I don't really understand how there could be any grey area with this, but my brother was not entirely sure it had happened. So we got little things ready just in case, but at 8:30 we got a text that just said "false alarm". I was personally relieved because she isn't due for 5 more weeks and I would like that baby to cook a tiny bit longer.

Which brings me to today and finally the reasoning behind my title for this entry. If you remember from my previous post, we are due for our first RE appointment this Thursday. I have been having a lot of anxiety over the appointment and finally sat down with DH at dinner last week and asked him what his expectations were of the RE. He said he wasn't sure, and didn't really understand the point of the visit. I was immediately overcome with emotion and anger for whatever reason and had a mild freak-out in the middle of this nice restaurant. Nothing a glass of cab and chocolate cake couldn't mask, so I brushed it off for the time being and changed the subject.

We moved the next day, I worked and crashed on Thursday, and now it's Friday after breakfast (right before the cake-making) and I figured we should broach the RE subject again. This time I asked him if he thought we should even be going to the appointment, and he said that it didn't feel right to him. He believes we've not explored other, cheaper options. He also doesn't believe anything is wrong, and that I have blown it out of proportion. I tried to explain diagnostics, PCOS, ovulation, etc. but I wasn't having much luck. I spend every day of my work-life explaining things to students and walking them through detailed steps, but I always seem to have the worst luck explaining my rationale to DH. Very frustrating.

Anyway, we got to the point where I was seriously questioning whether or not we were ready for this appointment. It is going to be $300 just to talk to the RE - and then whatever testing and appointments we have to do after that would cost even more. My referring doctor said it would be close to $1,000 without insurance. That is such a huge amount for me right now (DH is not working while he's finishing his degree), and I cannot in good conscience spend that money if his heart isn't in it. So I canceled the appointment.

I have come to peace with this decision for many reasons. First, I want to be in a good place with DH about our options and our plan, and I think that whatever happens now will happen because we both want it to. I definitely went on the RE hunt and made that decision completely on my own and I believe that is why I was feeling anxious about it this entire time. Second, I want to pursue the acupuncture and ovulation tracking a bit more. We owe it to ourselves to at least try that more seriously before shelling out so much money. I also think we need to commit to the BD more than we have in the past. I don't care how many drugs and tricks there are, you can't make a baby without the baby dance!

If we have to come back to the RE plan down the road, at least we'll be at more peace about it. Giving it more time will also make better sense financially; we can be saving that money now, and there is always that chance DH will find a job with IF-friendly insurance.

That's all I have for now. I don't know which direction this blog will go in, but I know in my gut that we are still on a journey to have a baby. It may not be on the timeline I'd hoped, but it's definitely going to happen one way or another.

The next 7-10 days will be tough

2011-05-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

In all reality, it'll probably be a tough 2 months or so. And actually probably 4-5 months now that I look that far ahead. Sheesh!

1) This weekend I have to shop and prepare for my SIL's baby shower next Saturday the 28th.

1a) I have to make a majorly intense baby shower cake by Friday for roughly 60 people.

1b) I have to coordinate games and prizes and shower people with compassion and baby humor for about 6 hours.

2) I have my first RE appt on June 2nd and I'm really anxious that he will take one look at me (and my weight) and tell me to come back when I'm 800 lbs lighter. Seriously, they even had this on the news last night where many OBGYN offices are turning away overweight patients! So I know I am not just making all of these fears up.

3) By June 9th we will be officially and finally moved back into my parents house. I know overall this is not as defeating as I am making it, but I do wish we had all the money in the world and didn't have to stay there for the summer. It takes me down the gnarly road of wishing we were ready to buy a house, etc etc. But I know the timing is just not right for that. Maybe it's my gypsy spirit, but I am just not ready to be a home-owner yet and stuck in one place for sooooooooo long. :/

4) SIL's baby is due July 1.

5) I turn 30 at the end of August.

HOWEVER

I know some great things are also going to happen in the coming months. Even some of the items above have the best potential to turn out so, so great. I am not an evil crazy lady that is not excited for my brother and SIL to have a baby; I am thrilled for them and cannot wait to meet their little girl. Especially since she will share my initials and middle name :)

I also believe that staying with my parents will be a great way for us to have some social interaction again. Plus my dad will take us golfing and ride bikes whenever we want, so that's a major bonus to my desire to lose weight.

We plan to do a crap ton of camping over the coming months, which is always my favorite thing to do. If I can sneak in a concert or two, I think this summer could be one of our best.

So I'm trying to stay positive and be supportive over the coming weeks and months. But I have every right to come here and complain about it if necessary. Because I can only dish out so many nice comments before I feel the need to roll my eyes and think "WHAT EVER".

So confused

2011-05-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

I seriously would have bet money on AF's arrival today, but she must have gotten lost. My cramps have gone away, and I've been in a less cranky mood. Now I'm just lost and frustrated because my body can't seem to make up its mind.

I've been looking at a fertility monitor on Amazon for the past couple of weeks, and I'm wondering if it'd be worth the money. Not sure if I will find the information more (or less) frustrating than what is already going on.

I'm pretty happy the week is winding down. I'm looking forward to more fun outdoors this weekend... I just hope the dumb weather cooperates!

Bad cramping

2011-05-18T20:30:00.001-07:00

Aside from the nasty cramps, I've also been a complete jerk for the last 24 hours. Please let me blame this on AF in the morning.

Changes

2011-05-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

As quickly as the spotting started, it ended. It's okay, though, because I believe things are moving in the right direction. I experienced cramping and other symptoms that I've not felt all year, so I am holding onto that for now. I've also lost 8 lbs since starting acupuncture, so I am feeling very positive about that!

I stopped taking my Metformin last Tuesday after talking with my acupuncturist because she said I shouldn't need it if it was prescribed to take with the Clomid. I had been noticing that taking the medication had really messed with my stomach and caused horrible diarrhea (TMI, sorry) the entire time I took it. I stopped it for three days and my stomach was completely normal again. But then I also started spotting, and I have to say that part of me wonders if the Metformin may have had a part in that?

So on Monday I decided to start taking the Metformin again and see what happens. Who knows - maybe the combination of acupuncture and Metformin are helping my period get started while assisting with the weight loss. I plan to bring it up obviously when we meet with the RE for the first time on June 2nd. I have been teetering on canceling the appt because my mind is so focused on getting my period to start and losing some poundage before we get more serious about conceiving. But I eventually conclude that I'd like to rule out more serious issues if I can. I'm really crossing my fingers that on paper we are both healthy enough for baby-making once we lose some weight.

But seriously - HOORAY for the 8 lbs lost. This is a huge deal for me because I've seen the scale stay at exactly the same number for almost 8 months straight. Best idea EVER to get a bike and pick up golfing this month.

Spotting? I'll take it!!!

2011-05-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

Never in a million years did I think I would ever write a blog about my dang period. But here it is!!

My conversation a few minutes ago:

me: I started my period - WOOHOO!!!!!

dh: Wow. That is great. I guess she could smell it. Like a holistic mountain lion.

me: I freaking love you so much.

He's making a comment because my acupuncturist told me she could sense that my period was coming on Tuesday. When I relayed it to DH Tuesday night, I used the word smell instead of sense and he immediately changed the subject. So anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this except that I am just very very happy.

Cramping?

2011-05-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

(This was written Thursday night at 9:45 PM, but Blogger was down)

It started Wednesday. It's really mild, but I can feel some cramps in my abdomen. It's been a really long time since I've felt that. Today it's still mild, and I feel a little bloated. My lower right side is very tender. I'm sitting in my couch recliner and it's about every 30 seconds to 2 minutes that I just feel this pulsating dull ache sensation. I've never felt that before in my life.

I have no idea how many DPO I am because I don't fully think I understand charting. I get the concept of it, but when you don't have periods or any of the symptoms people talk about, it's hard to know what is what. I've had two rounds of acupuncture 1 week a part and it's hard for me to not think it's the reason I am feeling these new things. On my appointment Tuesday night, she said she could sense that I would start my period soon. I have No idea how she could know that, and I have no idea why I believe her (everything I have ever believed about science and logic make this whole acupuncture business very questionable)... but I just have this feeling in me that she is right. And I will keep going with my feelings at least until my RE appt on June 2nd. I'm hoping they can tell me what is going on (or off in my case). Even if the news is bad, I just really want to have some sort of answer.

Right now we are trying to fill our days with different activities so that we can focus our energy on only positive/fun stuff. We both purchased bikes today, and I am really looking forward to getting outside this weekend. It's my mom's birthday Sunday, so we'll all meet up there to have a nice dinner. Next week I'll start packing and sorting through clothes before we move in a few weeks. SOO not looking forward to that again.

I'm gonna go do some mild research on this cramping business to see what it could mean - aside from the obvious.

Acupuncture

2011-05-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

I went to my acupuncture lady last night for the second time, and it was definitely less strange. I still feel like a hippy, though. And all of this crap about how relaxing and wonderful it is to just lay there for 45 minutes in pure silence is a load of crap. But still, I will likely keep going back. I've been having some major lower-back pain over the last several months and it's completely gone now. That alone has me hooked.

Last night she also did some extra points to help with the weight loss. She has requested that DH and I stop trying to conceive for two months so that she can get my cycles regulated. I never thought I would want my dang period to start so bad! I feel mildly upset about waiting another two months before we can start TTC again, but overall I have come to some peace about it. I really would like to lose weight if I can. Everyone (except my doctors, oddly) has made such a big deal about my weight potentially putting me and the potential baby at higher risk. I don't like how that makes me feel at all.

But haven't fat women been having babies for centuries? Seriously, every day I go back and forth with what I really want to do. Is it selfish of me to really want this baby situation to happen before I turn 30? I know it isn't a race, but... I also don't want to be 92 when my kids are in high school. PLUS I am putting poor DH through a roller coaster ride he didn't stand in line for. And now that we have decided to move back into my parents' house for the summer, he's convinced me that the timing is off.

I don't always understand that argument, though. Living with my parents for the summer = 3 months. Healthy pregnancy = 40 weeks. Again, I don't want to make irresponsible decisions, but I also don't want to wait until the perfect second to have a baby because then I really WILL need a walker and depends when my kids are graduating high school.

I bet I start my period soon. I just want to argue with someone right now.

Happy Mother's Day / Reflections

2011-05-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty relaxing and low key. With DH out of town, I spent the weekend with my parents and our dogs. We really truly had a very lazy Sunday, which is exactly what my mom wanted for Mother's Day. Here was the card I made her:

My mom is the best mom and best friend I could have ever asked for. I am extremely blessed to be her daughter. Our relationship is the reason I hope to become a mom one day; she is so strong, and she would do anything for her children. We haven't always had this relationship - in fact for several years I told myself I would be a great mom because I would just do the exact opposite of everything she did. Now that I've stopped being so dramatic, I am able to look back and see that she did everything in her power to give me the foundation I needed to live a happy, self-sufficient life. She has been supportive and encouraging, but she definitely doesn't tip toe around situations that need addressed. I love how direct she is, and how unconditional her love is for her family.

My mom is about to become a grandma this July, and I can't wait to see how her life is about to change. I never can seem to gauge how change is going to affect me. I am of course hoping for the best. I'm sure in a few months I'll read back to this and wonder how I could have thought it would be anything less than amazing.

It's been (silently) difficult dealing with my SIL's pregnancy. However, it was also really hard for me to handle it when my younger brother and she got married; I felt like such a loser that I was three years older and didn't even have a good dating prospect, let alone someone I could stand marrying. Looking back, though, I have no regrets. I just wish I could have given myself a "just be patient" wink.

Although this weekend started out pretty rough, it is wrapping up pretty calmly. On Friday I tried to let my brother in on my IF struggles, but it backfired a bit. DH thinks it's more likely that he just didn't understand what I was talking about. I just wish he would have tried.

Saturday I promised myself I wouldn't spend the weekend crying. I did tear up a little reading about a miscarriage from another blogger. It's terrifying to think that after so much time and emotion and money spent on becomming parents, miscarriages happen frequently. I had no idea until my SIL had one last summer that they were so common - especially the first time around. She got through it and ended up pregnant again a couple of months later, but it still was very emoitional.

I am trying hard to not let the overwhelming amount of information on the googler affect me more than it already has. If there's one thing I know about myself and my life it's that no matter how dark and sad things seem, they always seem to work themselves out. I know I'll be able to handle whatever comes my way - another thing I can attribute to having such a great mom. Happy Mother's Day.

Not such an open book afterall

2011-05-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

I've always been the type to share intimate details about things with people whom would probably prefer I held back a bit. Things that I find share-worthy can include my past struggles with money, men, weight (still a current struggle I guess), and all kinds of uncompassionate opinions about everything. I pretty much call it like I see it, and I'm confident that I see everything perfectly (this could also be considered a safe definition for Bitch).

In the past, I caught myself telling random strangers that it would take a miracle for me to get pregnant. I had no reason to believe otherwise; I have struggled with the female stuffs since my very first visit from AF. Call in intuition, call it glass-half-empty, I don't care what you call it. I just think that after a reasonable amount of K-12 education in biology and health class it makes sense that baby-making won't occur without a healthy consistent AF visit.

But back to the disclosing to total strangers bit... I have found that in the last six months, the closer I am getting to confirming my hunches about my infertility, the more I want to just keep it to myself. I was devastated when I found out DH was sharing details about our struggle with my MIL. My immediate reaction was that I was somehow letting her down? I feel the same way over the potential of my grandparents and other family members discovering the news.

I've been trying hard to reflect about this and figure out why I am doing a complete 180 with the over-sharing. I think deep down I just don't want to have to answer a bunch of questions about it. Because honestly I don't really know if I've asked myself all of these questions, or come up with any answers. I don't know completely if DH and I would consider adoption. I know we are not financially stable enough to consider IVF or major surgery, and to be honest I don't know that we'd go that route anyway. I'm not a fan of going under the knife or receiving anesthesia unless I have a life-threatening situation happening. I wouldn't rule it out entirely, but I also know DH and his family have religious beliefs that don't favorably look at IVF as an option.

Anyway, I did take a step last night to reach out to another family member on my side that has struggled with infertility. We're supposed to chat this weekend, and I'm looking forward to hearing her perspective on everything. One of the more encouraging things I am reading on all of these blogs is that even though the road of infertility can be very challenging, these women appear to be gaining a better sense of who they are and who they ultimately can grow to become. I am also learning that for every blog I read about a couple trying to conceive for many years, there are two or three more blogs with couples that struggled for less than a year. I'm trying to take everything in and stay as encouraged as possible.

Here we go!

2011-05-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

I've been reading enough of these infertility blogs lately that it seems pretty reasonable I start my own. Obviously I am crossing my fingers and toes that it quickly turns into a pregnancy blog, and then ideally a family blog. But whatever, for now this is my place to document, vent, and learn.

I met DH a little over three years ago. We got engaged a year later, and we tied the knot in September 2010. I had been taking BCP off and on for 10+ years to help regulate and lessen the pain from AF. I stopped BCP right after the wedding. We met with our OB/GYN for some basic family planning advice the week after we got back from our honeymoon.

I had ordered my extensive medical history records to be sent over to their office, mainly to show that I have struggled with PCOS and thyroid issues since a teenager. A blood panel and ultra sound record from 6 months prior was also included, confirming an official diagnosis of PCOS.

After meeting with the OB/GYN, it was her recommendation that we "see how it goes" until January. If by January I was not ovulating on my own, she would start me on 50mg of Clomid. She answered a ton of our questions, and I felt assured that she knew what she was talking about.

October to January passed and AF never showed. Typical for me - she has never shown up unless provoked by BCP. The doctor started me on Provera for 14 days, and finally on the 15th day AF showed up. 5 days later I started the Clomid. I got a positive OPK around day 15, and a BFN a bit later.

Here's where I feel like I may have sabotaged myself. I was very anxious to continue the Clomid route - you only get 6 tries at it - so when I started spotting at the beginning of February, I quickly sent my chart and results to my OB/GYN and she called in the next dose of 100mg. I never experienced the full force of AF, though. My body felt her presence, but there was nothing to indicate she had completely shown up.

Round 2 was also unsuccessful and ended with even less spotting. My temperatures were steadily low, and I didn't experience a positive OPK at all. I went in to see the doctor and talk about the results in person, and she was completely ready to refer me to a RE. I was devastated that she already wanted to give up, especially given that she said we'd try this for 6 months. Her rationale was that she didn't see anything happening and didn't want to waste the next 4 months with the drug if an RE could combine it with additional steps.

I convinced her it was worth trying one more time, that maybe I wasn't tracking my temperatures as accurately. So we kept the 100mg and I meticulously took my temperature for the next 25 days at the exact same time each morning. I showed more signs of ovulation and had a very early positive OPK, but when I went in for the blood test (the first time she asked for this), it came back at a 0.6. At this point I have no other options with her office and she wants me to see the RE right away.

So this all happened right before Easter. During Infertility Awareness Week. Imagine that! I came running to the internet for advice and research and have found that my experience is very similar to so many other people. I, however, also can see where I made mistakes in my anxiousness to get the process going. I really should have been taking the Provera to force AF each cycle, and I should have just gone straight to an RE to begin with.

So that brings me to this week. I have an appointment in 1 month for an RE, but am hesitant because we found out that my insurance doesn't cover a single penny towards infertility Anything. So there's that. We are going to pay for the initial consultation and preliminary fact-finding tests, but FET and IVF are definitely not in our future.

My current plan is to try acupuncture for the next two months and see if that can help regulate AF. In my mind I have always been convinced that my fertility would be hindered because I was never experiencing a normal AF sans BCP. I am convinced still that if I can just get that part working, maybe the other stuff will fall into place.

OMG stay tuned.