I was in a good place

I've been coasting along, doing really well for the most part. Until last night.

I never went back to my RE. I was in a bit of a scary place for a few days, but I slowly came out of it and realized DH was right about the timing being off. I think it took a lot for him to be able to sit me down and tell me he was not ready, and while I wish it had been done before spending all that money, I'm glad it happened before we made a major life decision that he would have possibly regretted. We are growing closer and closer together. I feel like all of this is happening for a reason, I just wonder when the lesson will be concluded.

For the past month, everything has been a crazy blur of events, one big thing right after another. It was my niece's first birthday June 10th, which was outside and insanely hot, but really fun. I started her a Pandora (ish) bracelet and got the cutest "best niece" charm. The next weekend we got ready for DH's parents to come out, which turned out totally awesome because she made us a TON of food to put in the freezer. Holy smokes I love that woman. We showed them around Boulder and overall had a really fun but short visit. So, after that my 14-year-old cousin G came out for 10 days, which meant a lot of swimming, eating bad food, and rolling our eyes. I miss her like crazy already. And then this past weekend we hosted and catered a wedding for 150 people OUTDOORS on Saturday night, which let's be honest... sucked. So hot, and way too many people to please.

Needless to say, Sunday came around and we actually slept until 9:45 AM - something that hasn't happened in a very, very long time. We made nachos for breakfast and got caught up on True Blood - holy crap I'm kind of obsessed with that show. We took a nap, made burgers on the grill and then watched a movie. I never got out of my PJ's. It was a glorious freaking day. We started another movie around 6:30, took a break to order pizza around 8 and then at about 8:20 I paused the movie because my brother was calling. I should have suspected something was about to happen because he never calls to chit chat. He asked what we had done all day and if we were recovered from the wedding. He asked if DH was around, which I calmed down over because I figured he wanted to ask him some sort of hunting-related question. But then once I said yes, he told me to put the phone on speaker, and I immediately knew what was happening.

SIL is pregnant again.

They hung up and I didn't even look at DH, I just turned the movie back on. I chugged three beers and then said I wanted to head to bed. We got the dogs into the kennel, turned out the lights and laid down. It only took about 90 seconds for the sobbing to start up. DH immediately put his arms around me and held me close until I calmed down. I don't think I ever got to the point of solidly falling asleep. I didn't cry at all today, though. I've tried to stay busy and push it out of my mind. I didn't tell anyone or talk with my family about it. I knew as soon as I came home that I needed to tell all of you, though, because I think aside from DH, you all are the only ones that could possibly understand how much I am hurting inside right now.

I feel broken. I feel like I forgot to take a crucial step somewhere along this journey - like I missed out on picking up a sack of "you can have babies". I am numb. I keep wondering when this idea of the life I thought I was going to have will somehow float away so I can go back to enjoying the life I'm living. Because for the last 4 weeks, I've been doing so damn well doing just that. I'm really tired of having to start all over again every time I hear someone is pregnant.

I know some of you are in the 2ww or have recently found out you were expecting. I want so badly to come tell you how excited I am for you, and hopefully in the next few weeks I can. But right now I'm just not in a place where I can even look through my blogroll.