Destiny

The last 24 hours have been completely overwhelming. I feel like a crazy person again this week, as if I’m unable to have rational or calm reactions to anything. Last night I cried harder than I’ve cried in years. I feel like I’m completely alone and that no one (except my new blog friends) understands what I’m going through. I feel like I haven’t been able to explain to my family and friends just how important it is for me to transition into this next stage in life. I spent so many years *knowing* that I would struggle TTC, and then a few more years wondering if I’d ever meet that special person to struggle with me. I spent a long time in a very dark place emotionally, scared to death that I would be alone and childless for the rest of my life. I was still in that place when I met DH; he claims he was also in one of his own, but for completely different reasons. We bonded as friends and created a support system for each other; I finally was able to cry around another person, and he finally was able to talk about his deepest secrets without scaring someone away. We tell everyone that we saved each other’s lives.

Maybe that’s all we’re really destined for? Maybe we should just be grateful for everything we’ve overcome. The years of horrible relationships with our parents seem to be in a very distant, forgettable past. The years of feeling like we were never good enough? We definitely know better now. The years of wondering who could possibly love someone like me? Who could look past the gnarly facial hair and sarcastic reaction to life? And don’t even get me started on trust. We both have been burned by a few ex’s and a few family members, so to say we were broken is putting it lightly. But we made it through all of that Together. For so long that’s all I would pray for – to just feel good about myself and find a partner that would love me as much as I loved them.

So to say I’m not satisfied with my life is completely untrue. I love DH, and I love my life. I love my dogs, and a few of my possessions (I am not ashamed to say I love my car), and mostly I love that I wake up every day and can breathe. I don’t have this massive depression looming over me, and for the first time in about a year, I can also say I am no longer scared to answer the doorbell or pick up the phone call of an unknown number. I have made massive strides in creating a good life for us, especially considering the overwhelming debt and bad karma I started with. In 3 years, I can honestly say that I am proud of who I’ve become, and that I’m excited for our future.

I still want to be a mom, though. And I know for some people it may seem as if we’re not in the best place to be TTC. We are living with my parents. We have only one income. We don’t have much savings other than my healthy 401K. We still have student loans and a couple of credit cards. I am overweight. This list can probably go on for awhile. But I am FREAKING.OUT.PEOPLE. I want this so badly. In my mind, I see that we have an amazing family support system, and that our living situation is extremely temporary. DH graduates in 3 months and I am fully confident he’ll find a good job. And even if it isn’t high-paying, at least it would be something that can go straight into paying off debt and building up our savings. And yes the weight is on my mind, but I am still working to lose it as healthily as possible. I feel like those things are nothing compared to my fear of getting older and having a more limited chance of having biological children. It feels like conceiving is totally within reach right now, but with every passing month it gets farther and farther away.

I hate it that I feel like “oh as soon as I achieve XYZ, then my life will be complete”. Because I don’t feel like I’m asking for a million dollars, or a supermodel body, or some supernatural power to win at Scrabble for the rest of my life. I just would like to be a mother. I would really, really like that. Please, and thank you.