Post #100... not exactly what I had envisioned

Something has changed.

I'm not sure if it started in June when my husband asked to hold off on the tests...

Or if it started once my niece turned one, started walking, started screaming, started getting colds all the time...

Which was around the same time that I'd noticed my brother and SIL become even more exhausted, withdrawn, and distant to each other...

It could have started when I got promoted in the summer, and my boss sat me down to plot out my next two promotions for 2013-2014...and I have since started working 50+ hours a week with a 2.5 hour/day commute...

Maybe it started when my husband eluded to the fact that he will likely continue to see his therapist for at least another year...something I am outrageously supportive of, but am still struggling to wrap my head around...depression is a very tricky thing...

Or it could have also started when we signed a year-long lease for an apartment that is not very conducive to being pregnant or starting a family...

I'm not sure when it was, or if it was all or none of these things...

But sometime over the last few months, something has definitely changed. I don't think about babies every second of the day. I don't research obsessively, or scour the internet for new TTC blogs. I've mostly stopped commenting on my message boards. I packed away all of my IF books, and have left the box in the back of my closet. I've stopped crying every day over my infertility.

I'm not giving up - at least I don't think I am. I think instead I'm realizing that maybe the timing is more off than I'd originally thought. Don't get me wrong - I still cry - but lately my sadness has had more to do with feeling like I am in a rut with my weight loss, and wanting to live a better kind of life in general. I want to enjoy time with my husband. I want to finally finish my masters degree. I want to learn how to create and live on a budget. I want to finish a quilt. Or five. I want to spend an entire summer camping as many weekends as possible. I want to go duck hunting. I want to continue to do what I want to do on a whim. I hope that doesn't make me a terrible person...to admit that I want these things right now more than a child?

I want to grow up a little more and build additional confidence in my ability to be a good parent. Because right now my biggest fear is that my desire to get pregnant is not really in line with my desire to be a parent 24/7. When I envision adding a baby into everything I have going on, and want to have going on, it just doesn't seem to fit. At least not right now.

So for now, I think we are going to give ourselves some more time to figure things out, and to improve the life we have. I don't feel like my heart is going to rip through my chest anymore when I consider a life without children. I feel like I know enough about the road of infertility and challenges it creates when wanting to have children, especially as we get older. I appreciate this community, and the opportunity I've had to learn these things, as I'm sure in a year or two or three I'll be back and will be more prepared to take these challenges head on.

Not exactly what I'd envisioned for my 100th post on an infertility blog. But I feel good about this decision, and I know in my heart we are doing the right thing. I know there is no perfect time to start a family, but I am convinced wholeheartedly that there must be a better time than now.

I'm still rooting everyone on, and will check in on blogs as much as I can. But for now, I really have no idea when I'll be back.

xoxo

deju vu

Hello blog friends. We're in the middle of packing and getting ready for the move next weekend, so this will be short and boring for most of you. 

AF showed up on 10/12 with her approved extended stay request. She left 8 days later, only to return again on 10/26 (yesterday). At first I thought she just forgot something, but she's been getting cozy on the couch for the last 2 days! *grumble*

This happened to me last year, too. In October. Strange huh?

Anyway, I wanted to jot down that I have been taking 800mg of Vitex, my prenatel vitamin, and 600mg of CoQ10 every day since CD1. I did end up taking 1200mg of Vitex between CD8 and CD14, and I'm really wondering if that extra pill caused AF to show back up? I have since reduced back down to 800mg.

I also think there is a glitch in my FF chart, because I've recorded 2 days of medium AF and it still has me at CD16. I've never seen that happen before?

I'll do more to update again next weekend after the move, but just wanted to get this documented tonight so I don't forget.

yawn

Made the decision to start Provera a couple days after the last post, and AF started today. It worked out perfectly because I had my lady-parts exam on Wednesday. And you thought that was TMI?

Do you ever feel bad going to that appt when you've not shaved your legs? Back in my hooker days (I'm basically joking here (sorta)), I used to feel ashamed going to that appt when I was groomed, like it was some giant declaration that I had other people checking out that territory besides the doctor. But these days... these busy, busy days... where grooming is something I do for my dogs, not myself... I begin to instead feel a little embarrassed because it's been like days (weeks?) since I've shaved ALL of my legs. And I know I can't be the only one that understands what I mean by that? I hope?

Anyway, so before she got down to business, I apologized for not shaving the entirety of my legs. She just laughed and said not to worry, that she is not down there looking at my legs, and then she thanked me for the sentiment. She said many of her patients apologize for that, or for having smelly feet. I thought that was hilarious, because often times I have thought I needed to apologize for that too! But I woke up Wednesday and made sure to wear my newest, most non-smellingest shoes. So there's that at least.

I'm not really up to much right now. We're going to pack some more this weekend and then break down our saltwater tank. I've had fishtanks my entire life, but saltwater? What a complicated, cruel joke. 

My Advil PM is kicking in, so I'm out. Oh yeah, before I forget, CONGRATULATIONS Sprout!!!!

An explanation

Sorry I've been MIA again for so long. Summer sorta flew by and honestly I have no idea how September is already coming to an end. Which must mean I'm officially really old since I'm sitting here talking about time passing too fast. Good gravy.

I don't know (and don't care to search back through archives) if I mentioned my promotion at work, but that's probably the biggest reason I've not been updating much. To put it bluntly, I have been busy as shit these last few months. I'm feeling pretty good about everything - still super stressed, but I see and feel some massive improvements coming my way and that makes me happy. I'm also getting to go on my first work-related trip at the end of November - all the way to NEW YORK CITY, bitchez. So I am way stoked about that, and definitely a little freaked out. I haven't really traveled much and don't tend to be drawn to huge ass cities. Sorta a once in a lifetime thing for a girl like me - that's the God's honest truth.

I updated my TTC History for anyone playing along at home. Obviously yesterday's title post sums it up - the soy and SMEP didn't really do much. Well I take that back actually. SMEP probably improved my marriage quite a bit. More on that in a second. But as far as TTC is concerned, I'm wavering on when to start my Provera script - I have my annual scheduled for mid-October, and I don't want to be in the middle of my AF visit obviously. I already had to postpone it for that back in August, so I need to be more strategic. Plus (and you can skip this part if you don't want to read about that dumb bitch Hope), my temps have been kinda high for the last week or so and we've been getting frisky EOD for about two weeks, soooo maybe I just keep waiting? Or how about I go back and look at my History again and realize that the last 2 years of waiting hasn't really done me much good. DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

On the marriage front - things have been great! We have been really happy, getting along well, having good sexy time... life is good! We celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday this week - and by celebrated I mean we went out for burritos and came home to watch the final episode of Carnivale (seriously go check it out) on DVD before we passed out. I made it up to him last night though ;)

I'm trying to think of anything else you may need to know. OH! We're moving again. They wanted to raise our rent by $300/month! So we found a place just as nice and $400/month cheaper ($700 if you factor the new rate). So at this lower monthly output, we'll have all of our debt paid off by next year! And we will hopefully be mentally and financially ready to at least CONSIDER a permanent housing solution. We both get very freaked out about this though, so I wouldn't hold your breath.

Okay well that's all for now. I've got a few quilting project I'm working on, plus I have homework to do. So it may be a tiny bit before I come back. But this felt good, so maybe I'll get back into the mode of posting more frequently. Which means more commenting from me - aren't you so lucky!

smooches.